the life of an insomniac

happy belated anniversary

2011-07-27T01:05:00.000-07:00

3 years<3

sorry i've been neglecting you.

i promise to write here more

sapphire blue - far*eastmovement

2010-06-02T03:41:00.000-07:00

lies - gdragon feat. big bang

2010-04-12T15:42:00.000-07:00

(gd, you talented bastard)
this video has a lot to it than just the music, flashing lights, and korean superstars.
when gdragon wrote this song he intended to use it as his breakthrough solo song. however, upon giving the song to yg, he was told that the song would be better if big bang used it as a group. instead of being some stuck up diva bitch, he gave up the song. because of this song big bang sky-rocketed. gd introduced a new concept of big bang and let them mature musically. i look up to gd. not only is he an amazing leader, but he is so selfless. sure, he has crazy ass style and sometimes his concepts make me question his sanity, but watching this video shows that gd is a dynamic person. he was finally able to perform lies as a solo, but instead of hogging the stage all to himself, he allowed big bang to come out and sing with him and he was genuinely happy about it. i know that i sound stupid talking about some celebrity that i don't even know, but i do look up to gd. there's the one part in the video where him and taeyang stand together and sing. i want to have a friendship like that. because i have no doubt in my mind that when gd was giving up lies as a solo project, he probably thought of bae (and the other members as well). he saw that he was able to help others more than himself.

only look at me - taeyang

2010-03-17T20:22:00.001-07:00

update

2010-03-14T16:28:00.001-07:00

i was looking at my resolutions and decided to see what i've accomplished since january

health:
create a diet and stick to it
drink more water
work out more

finances:
get a job
save up money
find a house for next year

academics:
get straight As (just once is fine)

social:
join the pre-law frat
do a little sister program
get to know people outside of apath
talk to a stranger

personal:
realize who my true friends are
appreciate my family more
take things slow
stop analyzing the little things

random, :D

tik tok - 2pm

2010-02-01T03:25:00.000-08:00

"there's no room in my heart for anyone to come"

i'm so tired of it all.

twenty ten

2009-12-31T13:17:00.000-08:00

oh 2009, how you flew by like nothing but wind past my face. i can barely remember what happened in the past 12 months. i graduated, got into davis, moved out of the house, and i've spent around 4 months away from home. not so great of accomplishments, if you ask me.

2009 has been a bumpy ride. so many people died and so much shit happened that i don't even feel like re-capping. it was a year of drama, laughs, heartbreak, bonding, etc. i can't even sum up this year into words but i know for sure that i'm glad it's over and that a new year is literally around the corner.

when the clock hits 12 tonight, even though it's just another day, i feel like i can start over. be a new person and change my ways. i usually don't make resolutions, but hell, i have a lot this year.

health:
create a diet and stick to it
drink more water
work out more

finances:
get a job
save up money
find a house for next year

academics:
get straight As (just once is fine)

social:
join the pre-law frat
do a little sister program
get to know people outside of apath
talk to a stranger

personal:
realize who my true friends are
appreciate my family more
take things slow
stop analyzing the little things

that list is a mouth full and a lot more. i'm looking for a lot this year. i'm tired of being "me". cause it's not really me. we all know that. why does finding myself have to be so hard. i want to be happy with who i am. i'm tired of settling and not being satisfied. i'm ready to take control of my life and make things happy. i just want this year to be stress free.

i'm done with boys. no more boys this year. they bring me nothing but headaches and trouble. it's better if i don't go looking for them cause i no longer have time to deal with all of that. i definitely learned my lesson this year. some things are just not worth worrying over.

i'm starting fresh. it's a new me that's going to face this world head on.

i'm ready

colors - utada hikaru

2009-11-11T23:07:00.000-08:00

...

Your Existing Situation

"Needs extra attention and must feel she is very important to those around her. If she doesn't think she is being spoiled enough, she may shut herself off from others."

Your Stress Sources

"Feels unappreciated and in an unpleasant position. Needs personal recognition and the respect of others, since she has not been about to find partners who value the same things she does. she holds back her emotions and is unable to give fully of herself, but lasting isolation makes her want to change those ways and surrender to her deep urges. Giving in to her natural instincts and urges is a sign of weakness, so feeling this way makes her weak and irritable. Fighting these urges makes her feel stronger, as if she can take on anything that comes her way. Longs to be valued as an important associate and admired for her personal qualities."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Her confidence is low but she is unable to admit that is the reason for her avoidance of conflict. Feels it is a situation out of her control and she is making the best of it.

"Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity, as long as there is not a lot of conflict or emotional difficulty."

Your Desired Objective

"Wants interesting and exciting things to happen in her life. she is able to make others like him, because of her genuine concern for them. she is charming and open and makes friends easily. she can have an over-active imagination, which leads her to fantasize and daydream."

Your Actual Problem

"Impressed by unique and one of a kind things, and by people with exceptional personalities. Tries to takes the characteristics she likes in other people and apply it to herself as well as coming across as a unique individual."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Feeling a lack of energy, she does not wish to be involved in further activity or give in to demands. she is feeling powerless causing her stress, agitation, and irritation, all which she tries to escape by refusing to participate altogether. she tries to escape into a fantasy world where things go her way and her desires are easier to reach."

...

somewhat true...i can dig it

without a heart - 8eight

2009-10-19T17:27:00.002-07:00

"if i say that i'm in pain, i'm scared that i'll really be in pain
if i say that i'm sad, i'm scared that i will shed my tears
why don't i just laugh, just laugh, just laugh...
but people ask me why i'm crying...

everyday i cry, i smile, cry then smile again
what's wrong with me, why do i do this repeatedly?
can't differentiate between bottles of alcohol and meals
so far in my life, i never felt pain this excruciating
absentmindedly, i write your name over and over on a piece of paper
in a day, the paper becomes black and i finally let the pen go
i long for you, i hold on to my cellphone and let it go
my eyes are filling up with tears again, this separation between us..

i'm without a heart, i don't have a heart
so i wouldn't be feeling pain
everyday i talk to myself, and put myself under a spell
but even so, i keep shedding my tears

if i say that i'm in pain, i'm scared that i'll really be in pain
if i say that I'm sad, i'm scared that i will shed my tears
why don't i just laugh, just laugh, just laugh...
but people ask me why i'm crying,
when i'm laughing like this..."

heartbreaker - gdragon

2009-09-28T17:06:00.001-07:00

i wish i was a talented songwriter.
my road to youtube stardom is imminent since everyone in the APATH dorm can play guitar!
w00t
dorm life has been pretty exciting. i'm still getting used to being in college and doing assignments without any reminder
reading and lecture notes have been taking over my life even though school only started on thursday :[
and the best thing about living here is just hanging out with new people, i love all my new friends
sleepovers in each other's rooms are craaaazy fun
hahah
i miss home though, i miss my parents, my sister, henry, and the kids.
but i can go home whenever and hang out with everyone, so i'm not tripping about it at all
i know i have the social abilities to keep in touch with everyone if i really wanted to.
what i want more than anything is my mother's food!
i'm been living off of rice and soy sauce and the occasional ramen
if you love me, bring me food.

shots - lmfao

2009-09-23T10:23:00.000-07:00

"if you're not drunk ladies and gentleman
get ready to get fucked up"

first frat party ever, what a great way to start off davis
pi alpha phi!
LOL

knock you down - keri hilson, kayne west, ne-yo

2009-09-22T01:29:00.000-07:00

featuring: jerri, bao, ky, valeria, karina, michelle, and me!
lol, crazy apath kids with nothing better to do.
the best thing is, we all played laptag and became friends with a lot of 3rd flor and 2nd floor kids.
there's a cute guy, i want to talk to him!
<3
i love UCD!!

run this town - jayz, kanye, rihanna

2009-09-18T02:16:00.000-07:00

"life's a game but it's not fair
i break the rules so i don't care
so i keep doing my own thing
walking tall against the rain
[...]
we gon' run this town tonight"

today was supposed to be a simple day
lunch with the girls and then dinner with my mob
i also wanted to hang out with best friend and sisteer before i left
so i turned it into a huge goodbye
i invited everyone to go out to get some yogurt so we could eat and just hang out
what started out as innocent games of mao and taboo because intense run ins with cops
so we wanted to play laptag and there is a park across from tops
so we go there, and everyone decides to be smart and bring their cars over.
causing attention...great
so we get there and everyone's crowding the parking lot and me and best friend decide to go to the swings
so we're there and we see a car getting pulled over, right in front of the park.
so we're like shit, because they're gonna see us and think we're causing trouble.
so the cop takes forever to write the guy a ticket and finally everyone starts to walk towards the park
earlier, someone turned on their headlights and left the parking lot, so the cops now knew there were people.
so me and best friend are smart and stand near the back
we see bright lights and immediately figure out that it's the cops
so me and best friend start to walk away, pretending like it was nothing
the cop calls for us, but we keep on walking
now, i'm keyless and walletless because my purse is in chrissa's car, smart move
while walking in the freaking bike lane because the road we were on didn't have a sidewalk, michelle called
she escaped like we did and we met up at tops
while there dave calls and said he told the cops some of his friends were at tops
so we're like shit, if they find us, we're dead.
so we sit there and a cop pulls up, but goes to this group of bikers and talks to them for a while
chrissa calls me while the cop is there and i don't want her to come back when he's there, so i try to give her a hint, but she doesn't get it. so she's on the way home when i call her back and tell her to bring me my keys
so her and dave come and then rouel and paul are there so that rouel can give me back my sunglasses
so we're all there, talking and laughing about the situation and saying how lucky some of us are that the cops were too lazy to catch us.
but damn, this night was crazy. and i will always remember it. so many things happened, good and bad
i realized a lot of things and i took one step to try and get myself out of this slump i've been going through.
we run this town, so it will be all right in the end.

blackbird - the beatles

2009-09-17T16:09:00.001-07:00

fire - 2ne1

2009-09-11T14:58:00.000-07:00

these are my kind of people

again&again - 2pm

2009-08-26T23:24:00.001-07:00

"i think i've gone crazy - have i no pride?
i come back to you like the first time around
saying i can't be like this

[...]

again and again and again and again
i keep coming back to you - i don't know why
again and again and again and again
i fall for your words again - i don't know why"

i don't know why i'm doing this to myself

stay - big bang

2009-08-21T00:29:00.000-07:00

"all the pain that's been wreckin my brain
gettin so close to goin' insane"

i don't know when i started losing my voice.
i don't know when it became so hard for me to express how i feel
i don't know when i became so withdrawn from the world
i know who i'm close to, but they don't even know me that well
fuck, i don't even know myself.
i don't understand why i keep everything bottled up nowadays
i can't find one person to talk to - vent to
i can't put what's going on in my world into words
because of this, i've become selfish
constantly fighting to save my own ass
looking out for myself first
not worrying about others
maybe i need to stop putting myself in situations that create problems for me and the ones i care about.
my head is spinning, it's hurting
i'm going crazy
i'm not like this sober or drunk
so what the fuck is wrong with me
that was the result of years and years of wear and tear
endless days of not being able to be my true self
i'm scared.

summertime - magnetic north & taiyo na

2009-08-18T23:04:00.000-07:00

"summertime days and summertime ways
how i do love you - let me number the ways
1, love how the sun is unchanged
so much rain - bout time that summertime came
2's for the music we bump when we cruisin'
i might go deaf but the subwoof is soothin'
3 is for the company - chilling comfortably
up in the summer breeze"

i love summer. except for one, i'm not a fan of the sun and the heat
but hey, what can you do about it, right? - it is nature after all.
i have been bumpin' GD all day today.
and i just downloaded bringing you love, so i have more songs to blast
driving down the streets during a summertime sunset with music on high is probably the best feeling ever :]

"countdown to ten, before the summer ends
my choice for 10: house parties in brooklyn
[...]
see the sun settin' - that will be 7
the sun coming up, that's 6 (what up!)"

although i've never partied in brooklyn, one can dream
but parties in the summertime are much more enjoyable because you don't always have to watch the clock
the feeling of ease and relaxation takes over you when you are partying it up.
and i've seen the sun set a number of times, and it still never ceases to amaze me
sun rises - i've only seen one since summer started, but it was nice and peaceful :D

"8, rockin' my aviator shades
number 7: movie marathons with my friends
now 6, bbqs and picnics
[...]
4, chillin' in the bay and new york
3 - vacays with the family
2 is spending my summer with you
in fact i like it so much, you're my number 1 too (aw)"

i wish i got that summer fling i asked for, i think it would've made my summer a little bit more enjoyable
i still need to go to the bay one time before summer is over - i miss it so much
and who can forget epic movie nights with chrissa and adrienne :]

"woke up this morning to a tune i couldn't sing
but then you came around
and now i found the perfect harmony"

Summertime - Magnetic North, Taiyo Na, Conchita Campos

breaking the habit - linkin park

2009-08-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

"memories consume
like opening the wound
i'm picking me apart again
[...]
i don't want to be the one
the battles always choose
'cause inside i realize
that i'm the one confused
[...]
clutching my cure
i tightly lock the door
i try to catch my breath again
[...]
i don't know how i got this way
i know it's not alright"

'nuff said

new soul - yael naim

2009-08-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

"i'm a new soul in this very strange world
hoping i could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
but since i came here, felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake"

seriously, i'm done with high school, but why is drama still around.
i'm so tired of it and so over it.
i'm almost in college, g'damn it. it's time to get over this petty shit
get over it and get over yourselves.
i don't even know anymore, seriously.
this is some sort of bullshit that's floating around - and sorry, i'm allergic so stay the fuck away from me.
i'm so done - drama is not my cup of tea
and OVERDRAMATIZING is not my idea of a fun time. so fuck off and good night bitches.
i'll just stick to my tweetdeck and twitter texts :D

stop&stare - onerepublic

2009-08-10T22:51:00.000-07:00

"stop and stare
i think i'm moving but i go nowhere
i know that everyone gets scared
but i've become what i can't be
stop and stare
you start to wonder why you're here, not there
and you'd give anything to get what's fair
but fair ain't what you really need
can you see what i see?"

today has been...pretty crazy.
i hung out with angelo today (i haven't seen him since he got back from colorado)
hearing his stories made me sad, i don't like to see him suffering.
but i'm really glad he's back - and i think everyone really needs to leave him alone.
i really didn't know what to say to him though, because like he said, i could never really understand, because i've never gone through it
but, i'm glad he confided in me, it feels good to know that our friendship is like that

today i found out that my dad's friend has cancer
for the past week or so he's been feeling ill and throwing up blood.
this makes me so sad.
he's just a nice person
for my graduation, he and his wife have me 400 dollars.
they helped my parents a lot when they first came here from vietnam
and always wants to help us when we're in trouble
it's sad to see someone so nice and thoughtful go through this
i wish him all the best
hwaiting

beautiful fighters - ayumi hamasaki

2009-08-08T01:01:00.000-07:00

"we are Beautiful Fighters
To be honest, there are some terrible days
but the girls who live without stopping nor giving up are
Beautiful Fighters
The unhealed wound, sometimes opens
but shuts again in time"

today, after chrissa's pre-birthday dinner at samurai sushi, we had another "mobbin' night"
i love hanging out late night with chrissa and kingston
and even though we didn't get to hang out for a long time this time around, it was still fun
i love talking to them, because i know they'll listen
and won't judge me
they don't try to give bullshit advice, they just let me vent
we went to safeway, but everyone was there :[
so we drove around, and ended up going to winco to get some drinks and food.
we were gonna go to the park near ua, but it was dark, and scary.
so we went to a park on elk grove florin
and sat under a little gazebo type thing and ate our candy, traded stories, and lit morning glories
sometimes it's nice only being with one or two other people.
i also love how kingston and chrissa are always down to hang out
and we look out for each other a lot. i like that.
<3

sunset glow - big bang

2009-08-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

"the sun rises, the sun sets
i become saddened by the sunset glow
the moon rises, the moon sets
i become dull too, as time passes by
the sun rises, the sun sets
i become saddened by the sunset glow
the moon rises, the moon sets
memories of you become dull too"

sunsets have always been my favorite time of the day. something about red, orange, and pink puts me at ease.
but at the same time it's a daunting sight. because a sunset means another day lost.
another book of regrets, hours we can't have backs, memories we can't relive.
summer is only a temporary moment in time.
like all other seasons, it quickly disappears.
but the funny thing it, summer sunsets are the best.

i don't care - 2ne1

2009-08-03T22:35:00.000-07:00

yes, i am fully aware that somewhere on my blog...the exact same title is out there, but i don't give a fuck. so just shut up and listen.

"hey playboy, it's about time
and your time's up
i had to do this one for my girls
you know, sometimes you gotta act like you don't care
that's the only way the boys learn"

you just have to act like you don't care
put up and front and be like "bitch, please."
easier said then done.
why me, why now, WHY
what the fuck, seriously.
this was supposed to be easy, simple, clean.
but now it's difficult, complicated, and dirty.

"i don't care
i'll stop caring about what you're doing
wherever you are
from now on - i really don't care
i'll get out of the way"

easier said then done, right?
especially when you decide to pop back in out of nowhere.
i seriously don't know how to feel anymore
i'm tired of it
i'm trying so hard not to care, but you're making it difficult
i just want you to make your intentions know - but whatever

"i’m too good to throw away and too boring to have
[...]
you fooled me with your lies hundreds of times
from today on, I’ll be a bad girl who makes guys cry
now without a single tear, I’ll laugh at you"

the joys of being random.

2009-08-02T00:18:00.000-07:00

i really have nothing to say. i've been feeling weird lately, but i can't put my feelings into words. i don't know what it is. there's this knot in my stomach and a pull on my heart and it won't go away. nothing's been happening lately, so i don't know why i'm feeling this way.

what is wrong with me!?

epic WIN

2009-07-26T00:43:00.001-07:00

(kpop macros)

bae, i love you.

unprepared

2009-07-23T22:51:00.000-07:00

i usually start writing on my blog because i have something to say - or something crazy happened. but, i have nothing.

well, i did receive my first letter from angelo. he's super sick :[ and it makes me sad. i miss him loads and loads and i can't wait until he has a vacation. i wrote him a letter back and i need to get stamps tomorrow so that i can send it out. i never realized how much i miss physically writing letters to people. i plan to write a lot to him because that is going to be his only mode of communication for a while and hopefully it will make him happy! :D

so, i want to become some crazy song cover star on youtube. but i can't sing and i can't play an instrument :[. my life is pathetic. or...average, i guess. LOL

well, idk. enjoy this random post, i guess.

i'm gonna go sing into my webcam now :D

things worth reading.

2009-07-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

so, if you twitter me, you know that i saw a fight on sunday. yeah, a fight. i didn't even know those things existed outside of high school. anyways, it was between two old, fat ladies. i don't really know what the fight was about, but it's good to know my ears are still keen to the sounds of a fight. because, we were walking the other direction. and i was like "that's louder than normal, i think there's a fight" so me and henry try to run around all sorts of placest o get good angles. one lady was about to take off her earrings, oh shit srs biz. then it ended...and shit.

---

have you ever felt underappreciated? i felt underappreciated this past weekend. on saturday, i stay up until 3 baking cakes with my sister and henry. again, if you twitter me, you've seen the result of one of the cakes we made a while back. we are srs biz. no joke, ace of cake status in a couple of months. so we made a train out of cake. a mother fucking train. with a grill, wheels, and all that good shit that all trains should have.

that shit is not easy. and seeing as how we did this shit for free for friends, you think that people would be like "oh wow, not bad for amatuers". yeah, people didn't say shit. didn't even care, barely got a thank you for staying up all night making this shit.

then it's time to cut the cake and it's three birthdays in one. we made two - one for a friend and one for a friend's kid. the other birthday person was the dad of our friend, so we were like..nvm, we aren't making a cake for you.

so tell me why douchebag RIPS off the fucking fondant and places it on the kid's head. i literally watched my cake be destroyed before my eyes. no questions asked, no consideration for the HOURS of work i put into that shit. motherfucker, i can understand if you wanted to cut the cake, but to RIP apart my cake in less than a nanosecond is fucking stupid. you're like 50 years old, have some common sense. this isn't some round cake with icing on it. this shit took a lot of hard work and time

and motherfucker killed it...so pissed.

happy anniversary!

2009-07-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

i've had this journal for one year now :]

[meaningless post, my bad]

2:54

2009-07-18T02:56:00.000-07:00

it's not surprise to people who know me that i am an insomniac. i swear, this started senior year. because no other year during my high school career was ever as stressful as senior year was. it used to not be so bad. i'd go to bed at 12 or 1230 and then wake my ass up at 7 for school. then it became 1 and then 2. sometimes 3. and on nights when i would have to pull all nighters, it would be 4 then a nap at 5, wake up at 6 and finish my work.

but now i can't sleep until 5 or 6. back then, i used to be tired, but i would force myself to stay awake. but right now, i am so fucking tired, but i can't sleep. the minute i turn off the lights and lay my head down on the pillow, i become wide awake. i don't know why that is. my mom says (who, now believes that i may have some problems) that i probably have stuff on my mind. but really, i don't. it's summer. i'm barely thinking about anything. now, this wouldn't be as bad since it's summer, but i work every other day at 7, which means i have to wake up at 6. and every now and then i get to sleep in. but i'm a light sleeper and can only sleep in when my body is dying of exhaustion. and on top of that, it's hot, and the stickiness wakes up me and frustrates me even more.

oh, and the phone rings a lot. and once something wakes me up, i can never go back to sleep.

i miss talking to my best friend late at night, but now he's busy.
me and angelo told each other we could call each other if we couldn't sleep. but now he's in basic training for the air force and has no ways of communicating besides postage and that only travels so fast.

someone save me :[

cheers!

2009-07-16T21:36:00.001-07:00

you know how they say "you know your getting old when you're friends are getting married."? well, my friends have been getting married left and right, so what does that say about me? i just finished a wedding last week. and it was amazing to see two people so in love. they've been together for 10 years, and their wedding was amazing. a total fusion of two cultures and it was amazing to watch. i was a friend of both the bride and the groom. the groom was vietnamese and the bride was mien. there was the typical morning ceremony of going to "pick up" the bride. and then there was the church. and the cathedral downtown was so gorgeous. they even rented a limo and a horse drawn carriage.

the night reception was chill, fun, and entertaining. oh, and my friend's dress was so beautiful. she pulled it off amazingly and her veil was stunning. well first, the asked dieu quang to do lion dance for them. which was fun and different. then the bridesmaids and groomsmen walked in and the groomsmen were wearing converse. i thought it was super freaking cute and awesome. and they walked into different music and every single person had different swagger. and the bride, groom, and bestman all gave speeches. the groom almost made me cry :[. it was so cute and so heartfelt.

and of course, we had the crazy, fun table that was getting all sorts of drunk with the 5+ bottles of grey goose underneathe the table (never put us in charge of putting alcohol on the tables xD). the dance floor was crazy fun, they had awesome friends.

so, what does that say about me? am i getting old? or do i just have old friends? i think it's both. i'm going off to college, making new friends, living in a new scene, so i am growing older. and truth be told, this friends and really my sister's friends who just happen to love me too. :D

and speaking of which, my sister is getting married next year too. and i'm actually in the wedding. that just makes things a lot for crazy too. i plan to make a speech, because i can. and i told her that i have the best speaking skills out of all of her bridesmaids. and she knows it's true. i'm glad she's getting married though. i love my future bro in law...who i just call my bro in law at this current moment because it makes life a hell of a lot easier to do so.

spoiler alert.

2009-07-14T14:33:00.001-07:00

if you plan on watching transformers 2: revenge of the fallen, i suggest you not read this :D.

---------

at first, when watching previews and looking at the name itself, i thought that the "fallen" were decepticons in general, but it happens to be some dude that looks like alien that lived in like, 17,000 bc. speaking of which, the movie opens up with the voice over of optimus prime, who speaks about how humans and autobots ( which, those were the only type of robots back then ) had met once before. making it seem like there was some beautiful mesh of symboitic relationship. however, the robots pop out of the ground and step on about fifty natives. ouch.

after a breif scene that left some in confusion, the title "transformed" onto the screen, reassuring that this movie should only be watched for it's effects.

the movie opens with good ol' sam witwicky and his journey off to college. this transition would've been a lot better if it wasn't for the gay dogs humping each other and the father who was too eager to send his son off because he wanted to bang his wife. since when did transformers get so sexual? to add to things, the first scene we see of megan fox is of her ass in the air painting the side of a motorcycle. why she could be ljust squatting on the side...well, we all know the answer to that.

while telling sam she wants to break up, sam finds a remaining shard of the all spark that burns cryptic messages into his eye and then sets fire to his house - also turning all of his electronics in the kitchen into little decepticons. not to mention one was walking around with a boner and shooting shit out of his penis....awesome?

in a desperate attempt to beat up decepticons the size of his foot, he has to call bumble bee who solves the problem by simply blowing a hole in the house and calling it a day. really sam, you fucking fought megatron...and you need bumble bee to beat up your toaster oven?

then megan fox comes over...blah blah blah...i now see why this movie was over 2 hours. a bunch of meaningless shit. like how they never tell each other they love one another?? like i give a fuck...blow up some robots or some shit like that...

so, this whole time, you think the decepticons are after the last shard of the allspark that is kept oh so safe by the US government...no. cause they steal it. and you're like...well shit, that's the end of the movie....lo and behold they use it to bring megatron back to life (fuck yeah, finally some action ) and you finally get to meet "the fallen." some dude connects to a bunch of wires like the fucking ottoman empire. and all he wants to do is kill a prime...which...the last one living is optimus...but not for long...

long story short, optimus get his ass whooping by megatron and dies....and after he dies it's like well shit let's just fuck over all the autobots and send then to some weird location that no one really knows about. and then sam's like, no you have to go to egpyt cause some giant machine is going to destory our sun and then we'll die because the fallen didn't care about humans...well, he's a decepticon for a reason....

and it takes about 50 minutes for sam to travel like 2 miles for some godforsaken reason. oh, btw, he turns the one thing that can bring optimus back to life into dust. good fucking job, sam. and somehow his parents end up in europe...kidnapped by some decepticon.

and so in some desperate attempt to run the final .0005 mile to where optimus' dead body is lying, sam dies. by this point in time...you're like WTF. actually...i was like..."does this mean there won't be a transformers 3?"

but then, the original primes, like some fucking angels sent from god tell sam he's amazing and bring him back to life...really...i didn't know alien robots had that power, but whatever. and so sam...as overdramatized as he is, runs over to optimus and stabs this thing into him that brings him back to life. optimus then steals parts from a dying decepticon gone good like fifty years ago and kicks ass in about five seconds....needless to say, the fallen gets an as whooping real good. and then like a bunch of pussies....megatron and starscream fly away....

and there it is....the opening for transfomers 3...the return of...shit.

so SERIOUSLY, don't over analyze this movie. ahaha, i stole a lot of this from other people's reviews. and even though i agree that there were too many side stories going on, the plot sucked as, and the script could've used some SERIOUS revisions....

the moral of the story is..

YOU WATCH TRANSFORMERS TO SEE SHIT BLOW UP
(and a lot of that happens, so enjoy)

orientation

2009-07-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

so i've spent the last three days (still here - btw) in davis for orientation. i must admit, it feels like a lot more than three days. the morning/afternoon "activities" were far from interesting. basically, being lectured about classes, requirements, and rules we have to follow was....blah. but the night activities they had planned out were fun. wednesday night we had "rec 101". we went to the arc, this huge gym place to check out things they had to offer. i took this crazy intense sample stretching/ab workout/yoga class with michelle. the raquetball court was freaking amazing and fun to run around it. i plan to take a dance class there and also take advantage of the tennis courts!

thrusday was probably worse. having stayed up until 5 the night before, and jerri calling me at 630 for breakfast...i slept in until 1030 because i didn't have to take any placement testing. i had one meeting before lunch. and seriously, we spent the rest of the day in the science lecture hall listening to a shitload of info that no normal person should be able to retain at one time. and then dinner rolled around and i realized DC food makes me sick and that i cannot eat it every day. shiiiiit, yo. then, we had a super long advising session with our leaders for some reason. i missed out on a good hour of c.u. after dark. but i got to play poker, at least. even though everyone was beginners, no money was involved, and i was playing all kids of stupid. after that, me and michelle didn't want to stay in laben because seriously, people on that floor were kind of boring and went to bed at early hours.

so we stopped by kearny to have a pizza party and just interacted with cool people. what started out as ten fingers turned into pickup lines, racial jokes, and dane cooke. we called it quits at 2 and went back to laben. oh, and did i even mention that i never got a roommate? so, michelle spent the night at my dorm since her roommates were dead asleep and we still had to choose classes!! AHHH. that was pretty much the most stressful thing i have ever done. so many numbers and planning to do. so, i'm waiting to pick classes right now

i was finally able to connect to some wireless since davis is lame and doesn't allow wireless in the dorm rooms. blaaah.

love ya<3

savage beast.

2009-07-02T23:29:00.000-07:00

so, i was roaming around myadmissions at davis because i had to check up on some stuff. and i accidently clicked on my AP scores - and i was like oh, maybe i should see if my scores were sent. so i'm scrolling down and i see my usual 3s and then. BAM, there it was.

the first score that caught my eye was a 4. thinking that it was my psych test i looked over and saw that it was government. i was so surprised because i seriously though that test owned me and that i would only get a three. but shit, i was sooo fucking happy i got a 4. i actually tried to study for that test, so i'm glad with my outcome.

the next score was a 5. a motherfucking 5. i've never ever gotten a 5 before. shit, i've never gotten a 4 before. but shit i got a 5 for ap psych. that was the one test that i was so confident about before going into it. i wanted to get a 5 so badly. then, after i took the test the multiple choice was really hard and i was then only aiming for a 4. and then people discouraged me, so i aimed for a 3. so shit, i'm gonna go at pat myself on the back.

and i don't even give a fuck that i failed lit. that test can suck it!

i don't care

2009-06-30T23:29:00.000-07:00

"You fooled me with your lies hundreds of times
From today on, I'll be a bad girl who makes guys cry
Now without a single tear, I'll laugh at you
Loser who's inside a game called love
Get on your knees and take me back
If not, get out of my sight right now"

2ne1 - i don't care

as chrissa says...IDGAF

2009-06-28T22:53:00.000-07:00

so someone please tell me why my summer has been really lame.
my relationships haven't been working out the way i want them to...in the end IDGAF
i'm antisocial and hate this heat....IDGAF
everyone's freaking out cause friendships aren't lasting...IDGAF
i'm tired of everyone's shit, so fuck 'em, right??

seriously.

IDGAF
boy, friends, all that shit can suck it
i'm done living life.
i just wanna get by

this is the one

2009-06-27T17:37:00.001-07:00

so my lovely cousin sent me hikki's new english album
i enjoy it a lot more than her old one.
the beats are nicer, the lyrics are a little less weird, and it's more hikki than before.
and i was so excited that there was an "automatic part II", but i was disappointed.
not that great.

ah, so i went out yesterday
i tend to only go out once a week - me being antisocial and all
so yesterday was the day
adrienne picked me up and we went to get chrissa and ck
and we went to go watch the boxing thing.
it was not cracking
and this one bitch tried to challenge me?
if i wasn't so scared that she would kill me by sitting on me, i would've fought her.
i know they were all trying to call me out
and by sly about it
i don't even know why they don't like me
they don't even know me
and i didn't do shit to them
too bad they always try to be nice to my face
fake ass bitches

good times

2009-06-24T22:42:00.001-07:00

i need to have at least one good time this summer.
sure, having the occasional kickback here and there is fun
but it's not as great as it can be
i need to surround myself with some new faces (good people, of course)
and just get to know a stranger
because i'm done with this small world that is sacramento
everyone knows everyone
i need to get out of here
and find someone worth talking to

i have fallen in love...

2009-06-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

with leadja and okdaeri

omg, idol army, what have you done to me?!

i'm done with it

2009-06-21T14:17:00.001-07:00

idgaf anymore

"when life gives you shit...."

2009-06-15T23:22:00.000-07:00

"...you make shitonade."

oh dear god, how have i been feeling lately.i been feeling so much like a hot mess i can't even put it into words.

first off, my summer has been pretty lame. i haven't done anything besides work and sleep. i'm serious, that's all i've done for the past two weeks. so, i guess it's my fault for being some type of social hermit and not willing to hang out with anyone or talk to anyone. but no one wants to hang with me or talk to me. so why should i bother?

you know what's funny? every time i have some intense, long update...it always ends up being about a guy.

so, why should this time be any different. needless to say folks, i'm exhausted. i'm tired of guys. tired of their shit. seriously, why do i always end up being in the exact same situation? i sure do know how to pick them. i pick the ones that are too pansy to do shit. expect me to do all the work. and in the end, they get bored or "make big life decisions" that somehow can't involve me.

am i asking for too much? is it too much to ask for some who fucking cares for once. who can understand me and take me for all my faults. understand what i've been through and just be like "fuck it" you are who you are and i love it. but no. maybe i carry too much baggage for someone to love. maybe i just have too much shit going on. maybe i'm just too anti-fucking-social to have a decent relationship with a guy.

or maybe, i just need to find a man who has some fucking 'nads. how hard is it to grow a pair. shouldn't you already have one to begin with?? like seriously, call me a whiny bitch, but i don't give a fuck. i'm so TIRED of it. wtf. maybe it's just the guys i happen to meet. maybe i should stop hanging out with 18 and 19 year old BOYS that don't know a fuck about ANYTHING. seriously, leading people on is not fun. especially when you get the short end of the stick. and now, i just anticipate getting fucked over. i don't even look for the happiness anymore.

my heart is so scarred. so wounded. but everyone expects me to heal so quickly. "just get over it" "forget him." it's so easy to say from the outside looking in. but they have no idea the turmoil i fucking go through. i toss and turn every night cause something is ALWAYS on my mind. thinking about something, anything. from the things i did, to the things i should've done. what i said, or what i should say. why should i put so much effort into it when it's just WHATEVER to you.

that's my deal, okay. thing's are just WHATEVER to me. but not you. so why do i give a fuck when i'm NOTHING to you. if i told you tomorrow that i've been falling for you. would you ever give a fuck. do you even feel the same fucking way? or will you just laugh and reject me. FUCK IT. why do i even care.

it's FUCKING SUMMER.
time to make some shitonade.

i heart 8eight

2009-06-13T12:46:00.001-07:00

fuck your shit

2009-06-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

really though, i'm tired of this shit
everyone trying to rope me into drama that has nothing to do with me.
I.DON'T.GIVE.A.FUCK.
i could care less what other people do
i could care less what might or might not go down
fuck your shit
i'm tired of it

i need a drink

2009-06-10T19:12:00.001-07:00

seriously, i need some drinks.
apple martinis anyone?
lol

my escape

2009-06-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

it's summer, we all know what that means....
it's time for me to catch up on my fanfics and my dramas
oh yes, senior year was so crazy i barely had time to read
i caught up on like 5 fanfics yesterday
dramas are next, but ill save those for a night where i don't have to work the next day.

and then it's back to me writing again
updating you with my life
writing in my old journal, keeping tabs on myself.

i love summer
and i'm still waiting for my perfect summer night <3

I AM DONE.

2009-06-03T19:57:00.000-07:00

no more high school.

alumni status, baby

real talk

2009-05-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

i've come to realize that:

my friends keep me so sane, i would die without them
i am a horrible person
i am also a horrible daughter
you learn a lot of things about people when you're driving around at 6 in the morning, buzzed, and vision blurred from crying.
time does not heal anything
i don't know anything anymore

...i'm happy

2009-04-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

ucd '13

the scare...

2009-04-28T15:39:00.001-07:00

of the swine flu pandemic...

tine: he told me that if someone coughs in san diego to run away

tine: so i won't get swine flu

hahaha, i love my dad.
LOL

risk

2009-04-21T23:37:00.000-07:00

no, my silly fellow bloggers. not like the game. although, i would love to play it sometimes.

lala, if you know me extremely well, you probably know that i'm not much of a risk taker. i like to do things that i know the outcome to. however, i'm feeling risky lately. i just feel like, i need a change. i need some adventure. well, here it is. let's hope it all works out :D

well, i told you about two weeks ago i would update about my spring break, so hear i am!
i didn't take that many pictures this time around, so you'll just have to read it instead of look at it.

it started on saturday when i went to my friend's house to play a rousing game of hold 'em. seriously, i haven't played in like 2 years. but, ya know, i still know what i'm doing and i watch the wsop from time to time. well, my uiltimate goal was to hustle everyone at the table because i didn't know any of them. it turned out pretty well, i won 40 bucks by the end of the night :]

let's see, i didn't really do anything big with friends this year like our AR trip last year or anything. we can save that for another day :D
but that friday i did go to davis to see the ever so lovely wong fu. i do think i told you this. well, it was amazing. those boys are a lot cuter in person i tell ya. after the show and the long meet and greet i went to visit a friend at his dorm. let's just say, i know i'm a messy person, but daaaaamn. if i ever have a roommate, i sure hope they aren't as messy as he is. but it was fun to see "college life" ie. bongs and beer pong. woot woot.

and then saturday. or dear lord that saturday. i stayed up until 7 making intense cakes for a birthday party. i was totally wiped out the next two days.

and then spring break ended. and i had to go back into the swing of things. school, work, luau practice and other random things here and there.

but i had an exciting weeked this past week :D
i went on a boat. i know, you're like wtf?! i've never been on a boat kids. i was so scared that i was going to get sick off my ass and throw up everywhere. but actually, i was fine :]. i got unnecessarily attacked by water though. and it sucked because i was the one person that didn't want to have anything to do with the water! life sucks.

ah yes, i have fun adventures :D

i am a happy camper

2009-04-09T23:27:00.003-07:00

this is been an awesome spring break <3
wong fu tomorrow!

i will update soon, i promise.

much lovelovelove

boy you're one in a million

2009-03-09T22:08:00.000-07:00

so, i've been a huge hikki fan for sometime now. i think first love was the first jpop song i ever listened to. i definitely heard her on the radio today. her new song "come back to me" is damn good. i mean, her exodus was pretty good too. but sometimes, hikki + english = weird songs.

there's the mv for come back to me. she looks stunning in this video. that haircut is love. she looks like she belongs back in the final distance days.

but yeah, i usually listen to jpop/kpop/cpop, etc, etc more than american music. but thanks to america's best dance crew and the hot billboard 100 has kept me up to date with the real world. fave song right now definitely is a toss up between boom boom pow by BEP or numba 1 (the tide is high) by kardinal offishall, maybe because that song reminds me of the lizzie mcquire movie. oh yeeeeah.

speaking of movies. there's a new fast and furious coming out. oh yeah, cause the next thing we need is more white boys racing rice rockets. i hope another fm song is in.

so did i say how much i desperately want to go to isa? well, i do. but tickets are almost sold out and basically no one else wants to go or know what it is. i was to see fm again and meet wf and passion. rawrr. i wish i lived in the bay <3.>

speaking of the bay? actually, this has nothing to do with the bay. i downloaded se7en's american song "girlz". i actually like it. beat's pretty hot. and i found that song via youtube and then i found it via limewire.

i love youtube.

RANDOM YOUTUBE TIME.

coolest crew dancing to my current fave fm song. girls on the dance floor is my anthem, next to 3d.

nigahiga is a knee slapper. i sure many have seen this. it's quite hilarious.

i freaking love epik high. there's a kid at my school that looks like tablo. no lie. anyways, when tablo raps, it's total love. and he does it in english. oh shit. "i ba-rock this show o-ba-ma'self."

enjoy.

random blog much?

wtff

2009-03-01T16:33:00.000-08:00

i haven't been this pissed off in a long long while. saturday was a shitload of fun, too bad i woke up with a screaming hangover. and i woke up having to answer my phone and listen to some motherfucker talk to me. sit there, call me heartless, call me useless, call me worthless, called me lonely, and all this other bullshit. wtf kid? i was done with your bullshit long ago. sitting here, telling me that i can't let go? well who the fuck has been calling me for the past year. motherfucker, get your shit straight. hell fucking no am i gonna cry over you. you're not worth anything. fuck, go ahead and call me whatever you want. at least i'm not fucking drunk at 1 in the afternoon. at least i'm not dwelling over the fucking past. let that shit go. why the fuck do you have to keep calling me. saying that i'm still sprung over you? homeboy, you got that shit twisted cause it's obvious you're still sprung over me. i hope you fucking stay 3000 miles away from me. thinking about moving here? hah, think again. wtf are you trying to accomplish by moving here. kid, i was done with your bs long ago, so leave me the fuck alone, playa.

sometimes

2009-02-14T22:26:00.000-08:00

sometimes it's better to live without expectations
that way, we can never get hurt
sometimes it's better to let our friends fall
instead of helping them when they stagger
sometimes it's better to live moment by moment
because day by day is just way too fast
sometimes it's better to be alone
because being with people makes you lose yourself

sometimes i wonder why i'm so crazy
i still haven't found the answer.

new year reflection

2008-12-31T18:08:00.000-08:00

sometimes, i forget what happens in a year. but 2008 has been a crazy ride. i remember reflecting back on 2007 no too long ago. and as i recall, i really hated 2007. a lot of really shitty things happened. i bought a journal during the new year and i reflected back in about 2 pages. it was pretty crazy. i told myself i was "greet[ing] 2008 with high hopes of changing myself for the better." i guess in a way you can see that as a resolution, but i'm not so sure myself. i've definitely changed, hasn't everyone? i told myself to stop worrying over petty things and i've gotten better at it. however, 2008 has been a year of high stress. from school to boys to work and to fam, i've definitely overfilled my bucket this year.

my goals last year were to:

-Focus on school and get good enough grades to apply to Berkley and UCSD.
-Spend more time with my family.
-Appreciate the little things in life.
-Love each day.
-Smile often and brightly.

i applied to berkeley and ucsd, no doubt, but i don't know if my grades are good enough to get in. however, i am aiming for davis. and the funny thing is, my dad was telling me about the top 3 law schools - yale, harvard, and davis. so, let's hope i get into davis, yeah?

spend for time with the fam. i definitely have and my fam has grown. the inclusion of a new older brother and his fam has been pretty awesome. actually, i spend more time with fam then i do my own friends.

appreciate the little things in life. sometimes, i appreciate things a little too late. after their dead and gone. the smiles. the laughter. the jokes. the joy. all of that. i missed them when they happened and saw myself reflecting back when they were already gone and never coming back.

love each day. somedays i wake up and i want to stab myself in the eye. somedays i wake up and i want to sing. days vary. my life - although sometimes typical - varies as well. i find myself trying to love each day, but most importantly, loving the days that truly matter.

smile often and brightly. lately, i haven't been. but for the most part of 2008, i was happy. a lot of good things - or as least a good thing - happened and it kept me happy. but when it was over, i found myself upset and tired, unable to smile. so, i don't think that worked out too well.

"even though i always say that it's the same life i've been living, i really hope this year is great. because i don't want to be living the same life. i want something new and different. i want to change it up. take risks. experience new things. all of this, it's what i truly want. not materialistic items. they just fill the void temporarily. but how can i ever ask someone "make me take risks" or "for christmas, i want change" to everyone else it sounds silly. but to me, it's what i want more than anything. i want to be different, but the same all at once. maybe i just ask for too much." - 01.07.08

2009, it's my graduating year. my year to shine. my time. my life. mine. i want more than anything to live this year to its fullest potential. i don't want to half ass my senior year. it's more than just senior year. it's my defining year. what has 2008 given me that i can carry on over to this new year?

it gave me an outlook on relationships and how somethings have to be sacrificed. i lost friends this year. i lost my best friend. someone who used to be my only brother has turned their back on me. i've lost a relatively good friend. someone i have a solid past with now refuses to talk to me or return my phone calls. things have become awkward. and then i learned that it's life. you lose things that are dear to you. at times they hurt like a bitch, but in the end it has to happen. we can't keep the friends we made six years ago or even six months ago forever. people change. commonalities diminish. we grow up. we move on.

i've learned to brush things off. don't give a fuck about the negative things people say. because in the end, what i think matters. what i feel matters. whatever anyone else may think of me, it's nothing. small. petty. useless. they aren't going to define my life. what they say. what they think. what they think they know. that's all good for them. but i can't let them taint my mind.

i no longer want to be invisible to those who matter most. my fam. they don't know me at all. they don't know the things i do or i feel. and i feel guilty for it [damn that ap lit]. i want them to see me, actually see me. understand me. and love me.

"2008, whatever you throw at me, i'm ready for it. all the obstacles before me, i'll face them head on with a smile on my face. i'm ready"

2009, you're no exception

life is way too stressfull

2008-12-10T18:51:00.000-08:00

sometimes i just need to AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - scream. life has taken such a toll on me, i want to quit. even though MC is over, i still have school, work, mock trial, and youth court. quite frankly, i want to quit mock trial right now,but whatever. ahh in the midst of it all, i need to put aside time for family and what not. and ap literature is kicking my ass like crazy, but i am enjoying the book we are reading right now (that doesn't happen too often). but i've been feeling so OVERSTRESSED about everything. it's amazing that i haven't had a breakdown yet. i swear to freaking mormon's that i will probably get fired from my job for taking so maybe days off for mock trial. and i want to kick mock trial in the balls right now.

djfkskldsfklsd

save me.

overall

2008-11-30T14:42:00.001-08:00

i must say, this has been an amazing week.

to start, school was only two days long. it's always great when you have absolutely no work to do and everyone has holiday thoughts on their mind.

tuesday, i tuned into FM's release party for their new album ANIMAL. may i say, it was freaking AMAZING. i love my fm boys, and even though they couldn't see me, i threw up my three fingers and sang every song that wasn't new and i knew the words too.

wednesday was a early work day. i had no school and it felt weird to be going to work at 730 instead of four. but i must say, early shifts roll by a lot faster than closing shifts. i wish i could work early more often if i didn't have school. after work, it was another mini vsa moment at zummm's house. we had a thanksgiving dinner with a few close friends and spent the night laughing at SNL's 'single ladies' and watching usher rip off his shirt on tv. afterwards, it was off to henry's house to cook thanksgiving dinner.

on thursday, i woke up early from a short 6 hour sleep and got ready to head to henry's house again to finish up and to clean up his house. truth be told, i like to cook but i hate cleaning. however, at 5, everyone arrived and before we ate my sister and henry had a big announcement. they were engaged! of course, i knew a week prior by default but it was awesome to see my family and his family's reactions. but moms cried :].

friday was my birthday! yay mee. i woke up a late, a well deserved sleep. my mother told us to meet her at work and we would spend the day for my birthday. so we went to macy's and it wasn't as crowded as it probably was eariler in the morning. but we copped some nice swag (haha) and then headed in our opposite ways. i didn't do much on the actual day of my birthday. watched transporter 3 and then did some light shopping before heading to jenny's house to play a rousing game of mario kart.

saturday, i spent it with kimber and her family. we went to hmong new year and i found kingston! i must say, walking around, it reminded me of hoi cho and i wished it could be that big. best phrase of the day "excuse me, would you like to play ball with us?" haha. on top of that PROTOJ SANG HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ON THE MIKE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. i was cheesing like a crazy fangirl. annnd we saw iron man roaming around :]. then we went back to kimber's house to figure out what we were going to do.

we ended up going to winter formal, which was a tad bit waste of money, but funny at the same time? GET SOME. haha too bad i got molested on the dance floor by random guys and a lot of people stepped on my foot. after, we went to her cousin's house to eat or jack in the box and watch some scary hmong movie. "HOLY SHIT, SHE LOOKS LIKE A SMURF" i must say, i was quite scared even though i didn't understand anything. then i headed home.

now here i am.
this is the first time i've had a GOOD WEEK and nothing bad happened throughout the course of my week. i was deeply and truly happy :D

cagle.com

2008-11-08T11:31:00.001-08:00

in light of obama becoming our president elect, i decided to look up some cartoons. i now also understand why people want newspapers so badly.

in case you haven't noticed, i really like the ones with obama and mlk.
and the last one was just for fun.
hahah, go hillary??

out with the old...

2008-11-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

...and in with the new president.

how does it feel to be apart of history in the making? to be a part of a time where change will happen instead of it being just a word thrown around? i am proud to say that i am a democrat american living in this day and age. even though i was not able to physically go and vote. i felt like i was a part of this whole thing. even though i wanted a firm hand in the picking of our next president, i am still happy with the outcome. barack obama, our new president. a man of change. the first african american president. one of the youngest. criticized for his lack of experience, he pulled through and made a difference. as i watched coverage of the election from 5pm until now, i couldn't help but to feel a sense of elation and swirls of emotion. and mccain's speech was great. i respect him and his attempts to calm down a rowdy crowd. i've never hated mccain. i respect him and i think he is a great man. but barack and his speech amazing. he's an eloquent speaker. and spoke words not only to encite the crowd, but to make them think. to let them - and us - know: YES WE CAN. because with things starting new we can make a change. we can fixx this world. we, this generation, are making a difference. we made the difference when we made the choice to vote. and the man we voted into office will lead us there. i fiath faith in obama and i have faith in this country.

obama/biden '08

activist?

2008-11-02T22:08:00.000-08:00

i saw a bunch of people on sunrise holding up signs saying : "yes on 8" "adam and eve, not adam and steve" "honk for 8" etc. and even though there was a large sea of yellow signs, i saw one or two blues ones that said "no on 8" i commend those people. because it takes a lot to join a crowd of ignorant homophobes and go against everything they say.

i'm usually not one to care for propositions and aimless rules made by the people of california. but this one hits a strong nerve with me. the fact that people are against gay marriage is beyond me. i'm sorry that you cannot accept something that is different from your lifestyle, but news flash: not too long ago this great society we call america was against INTERRACIAL MARRIAGES and it was ILLEGAL. see how stupid that sounds now a days? we used to chastise interracial couples the same way we are chastising homosexual couples today. and your marriage with 2.5 kids and a puppy is not doing to mean anything different just because your next door neighbors - who happen to be gay - are married. NO it will not be taught in schools. NO it will not start a "gay epidemic" and NO gay people do not make gay babies. gay people can't even make heterosexual babies. the things you say against gay marriage are STUPID and IGNORANT and it belongs back in the 16th century.

when did we become a nation that was so INTOLERANT of others. we preach EQUALITY and FREEDOM but we deny people their NATURAL rights.

be smart
promote freedom and equality
present LOVE

vote NO on 8

intoxication

2008-10-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

there's nothing i prefer more in this world
than a sprinkle of water
from those overburdened clouds
better than a shot of vodka
i am intoxicated by the rain
the pricks of my skin as it falls down
reminds me of times when i was truly happy
it has been nearly a year since i've last seen it
and its return - our reunion - was well worth the wait

--

if you couldn't tell, i really do love the rain
and yes, the smell of rain does intoxicate me
excuse the cheesy poem
but i found it necessary
btw, you should watch "you can vote however you like"
that video makes me happy

oh, and it's not because you are [insert race here]....
it's because you're STUPID

a well put off return

2008-10-29T20:18:00.000-07:00

if you bothered to notice, i've been missing for a long time. the stress of school has seriously gotten to me. my senioritis is not as bad as i thought it would be. i'm actually pretty on top of things. i got a 4.0 last term. BITCH WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT. but the only thing that sucks is that for the nest couple of months i'm gonna be staying after school a lot more often and battling my work schedule. when i come home i just want an hour or two to rest, and when i actually do start my work, i stay up late nights to finish it. it's not that i have senioritis, it's that i have BAD TIME MANAGEMENT. and i am not afraid to admit it. with all school talk aside, life has been all right.

weeks come and go. and most of the time i can't tell the difference of one saturday from another. but, who really cares about all of that. because in the end my life really does consist of: school, work, mock trial, and youth court. chyeeah.

simply suggestive.

2008-09-30T16:56:00.000-07:00

i realized that i haven't been as into this as i used to. so i sat around and thought of a good topic i could enlighten you with. i was inspired by this quote off flyy_quotes:

"Be the best you can be, & the worst without getting caught."

so i thought about all the things we can do without getting caught. how, a lot of our laws in the world, we take as mere suggestions. for example, the speed limit. i see it as, "i suggest you go 45", but really, who does go on speed limit when there's not a cop around nowadays. same with the cell phone thing, a lot of people take it as suggestions, instead of actually getting off their damn phones and pay attention to the roads. but, can we make this comparison to something more real? something more relate-able?

i thought about it for a while, and then i figured it out. or so i think. EVERYTHING in life is a suggestion. your parents tell you to get good grades. they've made a suggestion, and you in the end make up your mind to follow it or not. your friend tells you to get that girl/guy's number, but it's up to you to go and get it. people can tell you anything that want. they can ramble on and preach about their beliefs. but what good are someone else's beliefs? what's the point of someone else telling us what they think?

well, i think we tell each other what we think, because we believe we can make a difference, but can we really? how easy is it to change someone's mind? if it was so easy, many people would be swayed by barack obama's views of hope and change. or touched by john mccain's 5 years as a POW. we like to BELIEVE that one thing we say or do can make a difference. and sorry to burst your 5 year old ideologies, but that's not true. sorry for the cynicism. i try to be happy, i promise.

but on a political note:

goodbye summer

2008-09-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

hello fall.

this cold weather reminds me that things change. it's a new year, a new life, and new start. a chance to start over. take myself away from where i was a year ago. and i realize that things are changing, but maybe not in the way i want them to change. yesterday, i had to say goodbye. and it wasn't as bittersweet as i wanted it to be. actually, it was just bitter. the sweet part decided to screw me over and just not show up. i wished it went easy. i wished it went down a lot smoother than the alcohol. but it stung. stung more than the bite on my finger. burned more than the liquor. my head was spinning last night. a result of stupidity and desperate attempts to "have fun." but my head didn't hurt as much as my heart. i just wanted to scream out "forget me." if only it was so easy. i don't want to cry anymore. if only holding back my tears wasn't so hard. i only wished i was intoxicated enough to tell you everything and then forget it the next day. then, you couldn't hold it against me. but nothing ever flows my way. so what now? i guess it's time to stop moping, and do something.

enjoy life

confused, seriously.

2008-09-08T20:41:00.000-07:00

life works in a wonderful way. constantly going against you, and making your brain hurt for days on end. today was an interesting take on things. it's been a while since i've heard "what ever happened to you and boy." and i smile, like always and act like i have no idea what they are talking about. but today was a little different. i admitted to liking him to someone outside my comfort zone for once. and apparently, he likes? liked? whatever, me back. ah, but after today's conversation, i can see that nothing is meant to happen. it kinda made me sad. because, deep down somewhere, i still like him and wish for something to happen. today confused me. thanks day, you ruined my life

infinite boredom

2008-09-03T10:38:00.001-07:00

web design will be the death of me

"when plaid goes bad"

2008-08-27T18:05:00.000-07:00

i'm usually not one to urge. but i URGE you to stop shopping at burberry or tell others who do to stop. burberry still uses REAL fur on their products. fur that comes from the animals in the video above. burberry isn't stupid they KNOW that type of treatment these animals get, but they don't care.

"Burberry may be best known for its distinctive plaid, but its use of real fur is making the design house synonymous with cruelty to animals. Burberry continues to use fur in its designs despite the fact that leading clothing retailers like J.Crew, Ann Taylor, Polo Ralph Lauren, and others have pulled fur from their stores forever."
-exerpt from bloodyburberry.com

why continue supporting a company that treats animals in such a cruel manner.

"what if you were killed for your coat?"

first day of school?

2008-08-25T17:37:00.000-07:00

today was my last first day of high school. crazy, huh? i'm not used to the fact that i'm a senior. and i think to everyone else, i look like an underclassman. but, at least i know my way around campus and know what i'm talking about. being a senior is pretty surreal. we have senior sunrise on friday, the first of many activities. and to think, i will be done in a few months. on top of that, my birthday is in three months :]. another year older, barely any wiser, and so much closer to 21. haha. oh, and today i realized terms 3 and 4 will be the death of me. but, oh well.

hooray for rants

2008-08-21T10:39:00.000-07:00

what if all i had to do, was say the right words. at the right time. with the right emphasis. for you to understand the mumbo jumbo inside my brain. what if, all it took was a simple burst of emotion in the form of letter combination, to make you understand me. sometimes i wonder if i say the right things, but at the wrong times. and at the right times, i'm at loss for words. but would it matter anyway? because i'm not good with words and i hate the way my voice sounds. so i may never get my point across. and you may never understand. you may never fully realize. i know there's an inkling in you, telling you what's going on. but maybe your mind is at loss for words as well when it tries to summarize the situation. and i'm sure all of this isn't making sense, but bear with me. it's funny how i always find out the wittiest thing to say after the fact. after my chance to shine is over. after you have already seen me as boring. i guess it can't be helped. because i swear the blood stops flowing the minute i talk to you. i might as well sit there, mute, as you mutter away and say funny things left and right. but, you have always been good with your words and diction. that's nothing new. maybe it's not that i'm bad with putting sentences together that make sense or have any meaning. maybe it's just that, your skills are far more superb. and therefore, you overlook my worthless attempts to share my thoughts. words. words. words. there are so many words in this world, but none can describe anything that i've been feeling. and i know i don't feel indescribable, because if your really tried, there's a word for everything. but i don't know much of everything. so here i am, stuttering. tripping over my tongue. fighting with my brain. dealing with my heart. opening the dictionary in my mind. doing anything to make you focus on me more. but it doesn't work. cause it's been almost a year, and i'm in the same spot. almost a year, and i have yet to utter the perfect phrase to make you stay. there's not much left to do now.

got my schedule fixed:

term 1 & 2:
period 1 - unknown
period 2 - poli sci hnrs / ap lit
period 3 - econ / ta
period 4 - mock trial

term 3 & 4
period 1 - physics
period 2 - ap gov / ap lit
period 3 - stats
period 4 - ap psych

ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

day by day, i become dull

2008-08-18T22:41:00.000-07:00

wow, i have been totally obsessed with big bang's new mini album. seriously, the haru haru mv makes me cry. every single time. so i've been missing for a long long time. ahh, the wedding was fun, actually. minus the fact that my feet were killing me. but i love my dresses and all the tidbits that came with it. and then coming back to ca with my cousins was fun. sf and disneyland were definite highlights and i do miss them a lot now that they went back.

so, school starts in a week. and i have gotten absolutely no work done. and, my first day of work starts tomorrow. how exciting. it's actually cool. i get along with a lot of the other temp workers, so it's fun.

goodness, my mind has been RACING lately. just everyone now and then i think of random things and get completely thrown out of wack. and did i mention i was sick? well, i got sick today. cause my entire house is sick. and i should've slept away from everyone, but NOOOOO the pathegens got to me and now i'm sick. i HATE it. my immune system is really really weak. so i'll probably be sick for like a month. so lame.

so, congrats to MICHAEL PHELPS. omg, i'm sooo glad he won 8 medals. plus, he's the only swimmer i know, so i was really cheering for him. other than that, i haven't been watching much of the olympics. i did watch gymnastics. congrats to nastia on her win for the all around, yayyy america.

missing in action

2008-07-22T22:21:00.000-07:00

i'm going to be out of the state for a week. i shall be in my hometown: centreville, virginia. one of my fave cousins is getting married and i'm her bridesmaid :]. and i can't promise to be active wheni come back. becuase my cousins are following me back. which i'm very excited for. but, lack of me post = more pictures and you missing me more :]. so i got most of my plans finished. monday, i got to hang out with hobagg. we had a lot to talk about and he's a good friend. i got to play with his fat dogs afterwards. like, seriously, they are FAT but soo cute. and they love me :].

today i went to watch a movie at my friend's house. it was a long overdue event, not as long overdue as the ice cream, but whatever. it was fun. we watched out favorite movie "juno." and he had a comfy couch that i almost fell asleep on. but, i'm leaving tomorrow bright and early to san jo. and from there, i'm flying off to dulles airport and won't be back in fairfax til 12. i'm not gonna be tired, cause it'll only be 9 over here :/ but i will try to sleep. and the next few days will be fun.

i will miss posting. but, oh well. my cousins are cooler. PEACE

kill the batman

2008-07-20T22:27:00.001-07:00

i was fortunate enough to catch a matinee showing today of "the dark knight". even though i barely got sleep the night before, this was a crucial moment and i just had to wake up. let me just say, it disappointed me. everything about it was just hype and it brought NOTHING to the table. JKAY KIDS. omg, this movie is probably the best movie i have ever seen. it is so psychologically damaging and messes with your head so much. heath ledger played an amazing joker. and i don't simply say that just because he has passed away [rip]. he seriously put so much into the rold and did a fantastic job. i was floored by his appearance. at times, i couldn't even fathom that he would play such a role and embodies it so well. plus the use of his makeup was astonishing. because, if you have watched the batman with michael keaton and jack nicholson, the scare factor was there. but, the fact that his make up is basically dripping off his face just makes it so frightening. what also got to me was the way he spoke and licked his lips. it was so eerie. it was as if he was staring straight at me and talking to me. i was so disturbed by it. i want to disect joker's personality. but i don't want to ruin it for others. if anyone has watched it though, i'm totally up for discussion. cause i have that nerdnes in me. harvey dent was also a great character who added a lot of depth to the movie. i love this movie so much. i want to watch it again. i think one of the best lines in the movie is: "you either die a hero or live long enough to turn into a villian" -harvey dent. i think it's a good sum of the story and the struggles of good and evil in the batman series. also, i loved christian bale. minus the weird husky voice he does when he is batman, he's damn sexy. especially on a motorcycle.if they do continue with this, i am excited to see who will fill the shoes of heath as the joker. i would also like to see the introduction of freeze and ivy. maybe even the riddler. but please, no robin. i think with the "seriousness" of this film, a robin is not needed. whatever you want to call him. overall, i give the dark knight an A ++++++++ because it was damn amazing. and i want to spend another 10 bucks to see it again. yeah, it's that fucking good.

my dear kuitan, there is a devil beside you

2008-07-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

i have this habit of watching multiple dramas at a time. the two that i've actually started are "kuitan" and "devil beside you". DBY is the first chinese drama i've ever watched. not couting the old school ones dubbed in viet that i used to watch with my parents. DBY made me think about how twisted asian people are. the basic premises of the story is qi yue and ahmon like each other, but are about to become step-siblings. so odd and so wrong, but it's a pretty good drama. i love rainie yang's hair and mike he is pretty hot.

now, kuitan is a good old fashioned comedy. it doesn't star many people i know, minus the guy from "lunch queen" you know, the crazy ex with the orange hair? well, kuitan is pretty damn funny. about this food crazed detective. i got into it after i watched the detective conan special with oguri shun.

i've also tried to start sapuri with kame! and rewatching kurosagi and water boys 2, since i never finished them.

so, today was henry's surprise birthday party. he's 12 years older, do to the math. even though it was small, it was fun. and i enjoy hanging out with these people. even though they are significantly older than me. they still enjoy to do things like play board games and sing karaoke while drunk. which, i have videos to post later on :]

--

my days have been, relaxed? i guess. not much is on my mind, except one thing:

it's funny how people never realize they are in the same situation as you
and they give you all this advice
but never follow it themselves
they tell you how it's easy to figure out these things
but yet, they can't do it either
i find people who contradict themselves so funny
acting like they know what goes on in another person's life
when they have no outlook on their own
i feel like these people shouldn't give me advice
because i would be just like them
i would stay in the same spot forever

'cause i can't stop thinking about you

2008-07-17T16:15:00.000-07:00

ah, so i've been rewatching Love Letter Season 3 for the past few days. and i watched the one with Si Won, Han Kyung, and Hee Chul from SJ and they danced to 'U' and i'm listening to the song right now :] well, anyways. there is this one part, when they are playing the Striking King game, and Kang Ho Dong tells Han Kyung to MC with him. if you didn't know, Han Kyung is the Chinese boy in the group and doesn't speak Korean really well. and since the topic was 4 word proverbs or whatever, they wanted to Han Kyung to introduce it.

"are yoooou reeeeeeeeadyyy?!?!"

haha, prior to that, he was having a hard time saying anything in Chinese and all the other guys were like "they only say you're Chinese because you can't speak Korean well, right?!?!" haha, i love this show. love's relay is probably the best segment of it eeeeeeveer.

i also love brian and his "gorilla dancing"

so, my final for stupid comp. class was today. it was super easy and boring. haha afterwards me and michelle went to target, borders, and payless. we created total chaos in target as we tried to renact the "Lies" music video. i was in a shopping cart and singing horrible. it was fun though. i was able to buy me a pair of shoes/boots and i love them already :] ahh,i have much to do before i leave for virginia on wednesday

list of shit i gotta do:
friday: cousin's birthday
saturday: shhh, it's a secret!!
sunday: free day? let's do shit
monday: hopefully watch juno
tuesday: DRAMA DAAAAY
wednesday: my ass flys off to the east coast!!
ahhhh, i am very very excited!!! :D

what has happened to the younger generation??

2008-07-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

so my sister informed me about this thirteen year old girl who wrote in to 107.9 the end. she was angry because there was so rule that you have to be 14 or something to be in a video? i have no idea. it was for the stupid jonas brothers concert, so i don't have much interest. BUT this girl has serious grammar issues. and spelling and just issues in general. i have no idea what is going on in this world. it's horrible how she can't spell, has no sentence structure, no punctuation or ANYTHING. it was sad, but funny to read

here's an exerpt:

"I love the Jonas Bros more than you no. Its is soe unfare that you gotta be 14 to meet them at Nfest.Rulez are stupider than anything cuz everybody nos that jonas bros fans arent old people but w e are kids who respect and luv what they bring to the world. "

http://endonline.com/Email-From-Mary-The-13-Year-Old/2573309

read more there. i mean, i was dying from laughter and as i thought about it later on. i was like, wtf? how is this possible. and apparently, some parents got mad and someone said: "my 13 year old daughter types like that, is she stupid?" well, i don't know what the radio people said, but YES. she's almost in high school and cannot spell or punctuate to save her life! that's HORRIBLE. does she just skip school without her parents knowing?! ahhh, it's frustrating

i gave up knight school for lent...

2008-07-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

ahh, so i totally love touchblue. if you've never heard of them, they are these five filipino guys who make videos and do live shows. their stuff is mostly comedic and they do spoofs and stuff. here are some videos that i love dearly. i felt it would be appropiate to show you.

knight school:

"you've got a little something on your face"

hunters and gathers:

stainout:

"PRESENTATION!!!"

lent:

"i'll fuck 'em up with my JESUS FISTS"

i think lent is my all time new favorite video. jaymar is my favorite. he's the one on the right in knight school and in lent. stainout is always my favorite. but, i do love these guys. and they have awesome videos. check them out sometime: www.touchblue.net or just search them up on youtube.

in lght of that, i discovered wongfu like a year or two back. i think the first video i watched was "locked out" they do awesome shorts and music videos. but i always love watching their blogs.

blog 3 - new toys:

blog 3.5 - @ uc berkeley

--

wow, i've really overloaded with the videos. but i love these two groups. and wongfu is coming out with a contest, which i'm totally ready to enter at all costs.

so my day was so blaaaah. it was the second to last day of class and i didn't pay attention. as usual. i also found out something interesting. current event for the day: a man is sentenced to 4060 YEARS in prison after being convicted of raping three girls in texas. the moral of this story? don't committ crimes in texas, and if you do, don't get caught. cause texans will FUCK YOU UP. i love texans. haha

this habit won't quit

2008-07-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

i woke up early today. which is something weird. on days when i don't have class, i usually wake up at 12. i woke up at 1015 today. oh well. so, i got two lovely responses from my post last night. the post that was filled with mumbo jumbo and no beginning or end.

"haha your post brings up questions that i havent thought about in awhile. how do we really know? we don't. we live not knowing. but if you think about it, do you really want to know what the future holds. would you want to live a straight line, being guided by the "truth" that tells you the safe way to live life? i dont think so. life is jagged and rigid and mixed up and DISORDERLY, but through it you learn how to treasure the few things you do find are right. if everything you did was right, if all the people you met were the ones that were truely your friends, then i bet you probably wouldn't treasure them the way you do now. do you get what you mean? funny how most of the time, people always end up falling for the one that is not right for them and ending up ignoring the one that is right for them. but i guess that is because life is weird and when you meet the ONE, it is because he is actually the first ONE you have fallen that isnt wrong. that totally didnt make sense. but lets answer that question 10 years from now. :D" -ck

"basically what ck said (that dork was the one who showed me this entry :P). i think life will be more exhilarating and fun if we stop expecting an answer or a reward from it. i mean what's the point if everything was right all the time? i think life is really about treasuring the good times that surfaced through our lowest points of our lives (if that made any sense at all). it might not seem good to you now but once you've experienced the bad times, then you will know if something was right for you. we're still too young to make that kind of judgment now."
-miss melanie [and yes, "last friends" is a good watch :D]

so i guess i was being lame yesterday? i always am, no new surprises there. so, i've always wanted to watch "breakfast at tiffany's" mainly because it has my name in it - conceited i know. and also because of audrey hepburn. i like her a lot. she was always so elegant and pretty in black.

so, i like to read current events a lot. i like to pick up something interesting each day. today's story: a father sold his baby's name for a gas gift card worth 100 bucks. his son will now be called DIXON AND WILLOUGHBY PARTIN. yes, the AND is part of the poor child's name. poor boy. and what if the ultra sound was wrong and out pops a girl. damn, that was suck ass. there's you bit of fun information for the day.

i don't really have anything mind boggling to share today. the day has just started, really. does anyone know the weather outside? i guess it's hot, like always. i'm not doing much today. typical of my mondays. ahh, i can't wait to go back to virginia

searching

2008-07-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

hmm, i've been writing in this a lot. i guess it's because i have no life. and that i have a lot on my mind and writing in my journal hurts my hand and my eyes.

so, i thought about a couple of things the other day

1. when do we know something's right for us?
it can be anything. like how do we know a college is right for us. or those pair of jeans. that boy or girl over there. the dog in the window of the adoption center. marriage. children. anything. do we just get a feeling? if that's so, my intuition has been extremely off lately. and by lately i mean for a few years. haha? every time i feel like something is good for me, it doesn't turn out that way. i guess maybe i just suck. ahh whatever

2. why do we always love/like the wrong people?
so call me lame, but this popped up when i was watching "last friends" this jdrama. and i won't dispell what it was about, but it made me realize that love truly is blind - for lack of a less cliche line. and wrong can mean a lot of things for different people. like the nice girl who falls in love with the smoker. the passive agressive one who falls in love with the abuser. things like that. i fall for the wrong people all the time. i never realize it until they're cracked my heart and fail to heal it.

3. how do we befriend the right people?
mind you, i have wonderful friends. whom i love dearly. but it wasn't always like that. and again, this came from the drama "last friends" how do we find the ones who match us and we can relate too. i don't have many of those types of friends. i hate befriending people who hurt me later on.

4. why is life confusing right up to the day we die?
why can't we figure out the freaking "meaning of life" earlier. i hate that "being young" disables me from understanding a lot of things. and i know it's notbecause of age. it's because i'm too sheltered. i want to get a couple of scrapes and learn for myself.so that i can finally understand this topsy turvy world of ours.

those were the questions floating around in my mind lately. wandering around. unanswered. i've noticed a pattern. a lot of my posts are depressing. i'm sorry. i am happy and bubbly most of the time. just ask my friends. i'm an awesome person to hang around. but i guess when i start writing, all that goes away. i loved writing since way back when. even though i'm not very good. i joined a creative writer's club in the 8th grade. it was amazing. my english teacher was head of that club. but, she passed due to cancer a few years later. she always has a special place in my heart though. cause she flourished my love for writing. she was an amazing writer and an amazing person. i miss her a lot. they held a ceremony for her at my old school after she passed. onthe back of the cards, bookmarks, and programs there was a robert frost poem. i think it was also in "the outsiders" one her favorite movies because matt dillion was in there, but it personifies her beautifully. i guess i'll share it

nothing gold can stay

nature's first green is gold
her hardest hue to hold
her early leaf's a flower
but only so an hour
the leaf subsides to leaf
so eden sank to greif
so dawn does down to day
nothing gold can stay

-robert frost

i remember sharing in her class. that i thought this poem was about innocence. i stil believe that to this day.

--
ps. remember the thing i broke yesterday? there's caution tape around that area now. my bad vintage park people

grey hairs and broken sprinklers

2008-07-12T23:12:00.000-07:00

i found a grey hair when i was straightening my hair today. [wow, that sounded redundant]. anyways, you know how people always freak out when they get grey hairs? well, i wasn't really sure where the grey hair came from. well first off, the grey was smack dab in the middle. so it was black hair, grey hair, and black hair again. i didn't even know that was possible. so, i haven't been stressing lately, when i don't think i have been. and i'm not that old. so i have no idea where it came from. i was confused up until the point where i pulled it out. that was the first offset thing to my day.

next, today was just a random day to hang out with friends and do stupid shit with each other. we all swam and then went and played night tag at the nearby park. and while i was hiding in the bushes with my male friend, i stepped on something near the tree. i hear this "crack" like noise and the ground rumbles. so being my scared self i jump off the dirt i'm on and see this "thing" rush out of the ground. being one who watches too many scary movies i thought sadako [ringu girl] was going to pop out and kill me. so i scream and everyone hears me. and this flood of water, which was the "thing", wil not stop flowing out of the ground. so i'm certained i broke something and we hang around and make sure everyone is accounted for. when we walk back to that area, the water is still going! so i'm certain i'm in a lot of trouble for that.

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i like to go on tangents. sorry. ah, there's been a certain male that's been on my mind on and off since...ohh let's say late october? aiish, i don't even know why i'm bringing this up. but sometimes, thinking about him makes me...um...sad? yeah, sad's the right word. i don't know. i guess when i think about our friendship, i just think about a lot of other things. he makes me think too much. i hate him for that. but...i enjoy his presence at the same time. he makes me smile when i talk to him. but then nothing happens, and i get upset. can you even believe i cried because of him. once, only once. but i've teared up many times because of him. not because of the things he does. but i just...think about things. i use the work think a lot, don't i? i repeat myself too much. ah, i wrote a poem about him once. i guess i'll share. it's still in edit mode, even though i wrote it months ago. excuse a lot of little girl cliches and what not. okay, here goes. i wrote this in april, by the way.

you make me feel 500 million emotions all at once
but despite that, i can't bring myself to love you or hate you
no, i don't hate you
not only because hate's "too strong of a word"
but something inside me is telling me: "wait, you don't know him well enough to fully judge his actions"
on top of that my feelings aren't developed enough for "love"
you see, my love is rare
and no one has ever held on to my heart
and trust me, with the way things are going
you won't be the first
my heart's already chipping away and you've barely poked it
i don't want to think of what you'd do
gripping it with your careless hands
nothing thinking twice about how your actions affect me
not thinking about me at all
but i think about you almost everyday
you smile, your [insert adj. here] hair, witty humor, and great style
anything and everything leads my mind back to you
i don't understand the ways of my heart
it beats so fast that i feel it's about to burst out of my chest
or just explode right there inside me
but no, i don't love you
i don't under how my mind tells me day in and day out to get over you, forget you, and move on
but no, i can't hate you
my mind and my heart are constantly battling
and i'm the one to straighten everything out
everyone says "all is fair in love and war"
but is it truly fair that i'm in thise alone
and no one understand the pain i withstand
is it truly fair that i smile through this pain
and you don't even notice
love and hate go together like honey and bees
peanut butter and jelly
because you can't have one without the other
and i know i should hate you
tear away the memories that i've created with you
but does that mean i have to love you too

mind you i wrote this in a fragile state. ahhh it all sounds so cheesy right now. and NO i do not love this male at all. i'm highly infatuated with him. ah, i don't know why i wrote all that out. it just brought back all these emotions and too much is on my mind again

the point when time stands still

2008-07-11T15:11:00.000-07:00

i spend a lot of my time thinking. wondering what will happen next. maybe people don't know that i analyze everything that happens, every word spoken, action made. it all means something to me. i over think things, and maybe that's my fault.

i set myself up for failure so that if i succeed i will be happy, but if i don't i will feel nothing at all. i've spent a lot of time questioning myself. the age old question, "what is my purpose here." being a mere 17 year old, i guess i can't expect myself to know just yet. but at the same time, i'm tired of aimlessly wondering around with no ideas of what i'm supposed to be. you know how people always tell you to "be yourself" but how does that work when you don't know who you are? people no longer give you though-provoking questions or advice worth heeding. there are no more heart-to-heart talks that amount to anything. you can no longer have those moments when time stands still because everyone wants to live such a fast paced life. you know, those moments that make you so happy, it seems as those time itself has stopped progessing. as if to allow you time to take in the feeling of joy.

Hi, My Name Is...

2008-07-10T22:38:00.001-07:00

I've been sitting around wondering what else I can use to waste away my life.
I've got the myspace, the facebook, the youtube, the soompi, etc.
My xanga has been dead for about two or three years?
Who uses xanga anymore anyways
I'm tired of writing in my lame journal that cramps my hand
And therefore, cramps my style
I'm not the best writer in the world
I hate rhymes and rhythm and iambic pentameter
But don't expect to come here and find a poem a day
I have no idea what I'm using this for.
Disorderly conduct?
That's how my mind works
Hate it or love it, that's how I am

Hi, my name is Tiffany
And other than that, I have no idea who I am.