new year reflection

sometimes, i forget what happens in a year. but 2008 has been a crazy ride. i remember reflecting back on 2007 no too long ago. and as i recall, i really hated 2007. a lot of really shitty things happened. i bought a journal during the new year and i reflected back in about 2 pages. it was pretty crazy. i told myself i was "greet[ing] 2008 with high hopes of changing myself for the better." i guess in a way you can see that as a resolution, but i'm not so sure myself. i've definitely changed, hasn't everyone? i told myself to stop worrying over petty things and i've gotten better at it. however, 2008 has been a year of high stress. from school to boys to work and to fam, i've definitely overfilled my bucket this year.

my goals last year were to:

-Focus on school and get good enough grades to apply to Berkley and UCSD.
-Spend more time with my family.
-Appreciate the little things in life.
-Love each day.
-Smile often and brightly.

i applied to berkeley and ucsd, no doubt, but i don't know if my grades are good enough to get in. however, i am aiming for davis. and the funny thing is, my dad was telling me about the top 3 law schools - yale, harvard, and davis. so, let's hope i get into davis, yeah?

spend for time with the fam. i definitely have and my fam has grown. the inclusion of a new older brother and his fam has been pretty awesome. actually, i spend more time with fam then i do my own friends.

appreciate the little things in life. sometimes, i appreciate things a little too late. after their dead and gone. the smiles. the laughter. the jokes. the joy. all of that. i missed them when they happened and saw myself reflecting back when they were already gone and never coming back.

love each day. somedays i wake up and i want to stab myself in the eye. somedays i wake up and i want to sing. days vary. my life - although sometimes typical - varies as well. i find myself trying to love each day, but most importantly, loving the days that truly matter.

smile often and brightly. lately, i haven't been. but for the most part of 2008, i was happy. a lot of good things - or as least a good thing - happened and it kept me happy. but when it was over, i found myself upset and tired, unable to smile. so, i don't think that worked out too well.

"even though i always say that it's the same life i've been living, i really hope this year is great. because i don't want to be living the same life. i want something new and different. i want to change it up. take risks. experience new things. all of this, it's what i truly want. not materialistic items. they just fill the void temporarily. but how can i ever ask someone "make me take risks" or "for christmas, i want change" to everyone else it sounds silly. but to me, it's what i want more than anything. i want to be different, but the same all at once. maybe i just ask for too much." - 01.07.08

2009, it's my graduating year. my year to shine. my time. my life. mine. i want more than anything to live this year to its fullest potential. i don't want to half ass my senior year. it's more than just senior year. it's my defining year. what has 2008 given me that i can carry on over to this new year?

it gave me an outlook on relationships and how somethings have to be sacrificed. i lost friends this year. i lost my best friend. someone who used to be my only brother has turned their back on me. i've lost a relatively good friend. someone i have a solid past with now refuses to talk to me or return my phone calls. things have become awkward. and then i learned that it's life. you lose things that are dear to you. at times they hurt like a bitch, but in the end it has to happen. we can't keep the friends we made six years ago or even six months ago forever. people change. commonalities diminish. we grow up. we move on.

i've learned to brush things off. don't give a fuck about the negative things people say. because in the end, what i think matters. what i feel matters. whatever anyone else may think of me, it's nothing. small. petty. useless. they aren't going to define my life. what they say. what they think. what they think they know. that's all good for them. but i can't let them taint my mind.

i no longer want to be invisible to those who matter most. my fam. they don't know me at all. they don't know the things i do or i feel. and i feel guilty for it [damn that ap lit]. i want them to see me, actually see me. understand me. and love me.

"2008, whatever you throw at me, i'm ready for it. all the obstacles before me, i'll face them head on with a smile on my face. i'm ready"

2009, you're no exception

life is way too stressfull

sometimes i just need to AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - scream. life has taken such a toll on me, i want to quit. even though MC is over, i still have school, work, mock trial, and youth court. quite frankly, i want to quit mock trial right now,but whatever. ahh in the midst of it all, i need to put aside time for family and what not. and ap literature is kicking my ass like crazy, but i am enjoying the book we are reading right now (that doesn't happen too often). but i've been feeling so OVERSTRESSED about everything. it's amazing that i haven't had a breakdown yet. i swear to freaking mormon's that i will probably get fired from my job for taking so maybe days off for mock trial. and i want to kick mock trial in the balls right now.

djfkskldsfklsd

save me.