new year reflection

sometimes, i forget what happens in a year. but 2008 has been a crazy ride. i remember reflecting back on 2007 no too long ago. and as i recall, i really hated 2007. a lot of really shitty things happened. i bought a journal during the new year and i reflected back in about 2 pages. it was pretty crazy. i told myself i was "greet[ing] 2008 with high hopes of changing myself for the better." i guess in a way you can see that as a resolution, but i'm not so sure myself. i've definitely changed, hasn't everyone? i told myself to stop worrying over petty things and i've gotten better at it. however, 2008 has been a year of high stress. from school to boys to work and to fam, i've definitely overfilled my bucket this year.

my goals last year were to:

-Focus on school and get good enough grades to apply to Berkley and UCSD.
-Spend more time with my family.
-Appreciate the little things in life.
-Love each day.
-Smile often and brightly.

i applied to berkeley and ucsd, no doubt, but i don't know if my grades are good enough to get in. however, i am aiming for davis. and the funny thing is, my dad was telling me about the top 3 law schools - yale, harvard, and davis. so, let's hope i get into davis, yeah?

spend for time with the fam. i definitely have and my fam has grown. the inclusion of a new older brother and his fam has been pretty awesome. actually, i spend more time with fam then i do my own friends.

appreciate the little things in life. sometimes, i appreciate things a little too late. after their dead and gone. the smiles. the laughter. the jokes. the joy. all of that. i missed them when they happened and saw myself reflecting back when they were already gone and never coming back.

love each day. somedays i wake up and i want to stab myself in the eye. somedays i wake up and i want to sing. days vary. my life - although sometimes typical - varies as well. i find myself trying to love each day, but most importantly, loving the days that truly matter.

smile often and brightly. lately, i haven't been. but for the most part of 2008, i was happy. a lot of good things - or as least a good thing - happened and it kept me happy. but when it was over, i found myself upset and tired, unable to smile. so, i don't think that worked out too well.

"even though i always say that it's the same life i've been living, i really hope this year is great. because i don't want to be living the same life. i want something new and different. i want to change it up. take risks. experience new things. all of this, it's what i truly want. not materialistic items. they just fill the void temporarily. but how can i ever ask someone "make me take risks" or "for christmas, i want change" to everyone else it sounds silly. but to me, it's what i want more than anything. i want to be different, but the same all at once. maybe i just ask for too much." - 01.07.08

2009, it's my graduating year. my year to shine. my time. my life. mine. i want more than anything to live this year to its fullest potential. i don't want to half ass my senior year. it's more than just senior year. it's my defining year. what has 2008 given me that i can carry on over to this new year?

it gave me an outlook on relationships and how somethings have to be sacrificed. i lost friends this year. i lost my best friend. someone who used to be my only brother has turned their back on me. i've lost a relatively good friend. someone i have a solid past with now refuses to talk to me or return my phone calls. things have become awkward. and then i learned that it's life. you lose things that are dear to you. at times they hurt like a bitch, but in the end it has to happen. we can't keep the friends we made six years ago or even six months ago forever. people change. commonalities diminish. we grow up. we move on.

i've learned to brush things off. don't give a fuck about the negative things people say. because in the end, what i think matters. what i feel matters. whatever anyone else may think of me, it's nothing. small. petty. useless. they aren't going to define my life. what they say. what they think. what they think they know. that's all good for them. but i can't let them taint my mind.

i no longer want to be invisible to those who matter most. my fam. they don't know me at all. they don't know the things i do or i feel. and i feel guilty for it [damn that ap lit]. i want them to see me, actually see me. understand me. and love me.

"2008, whatever you throw at me, i'm ready for it. all the obstacles before me, i'll face them head on with a smile on my face. i'm ready"

2009, you're no exception

life is way too stressfull

sometimes i just need to AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH - scream. life has taken such a toll on me, i want to quit. even though MC is over, i still have school, work, mock trial, and youth court. quite frankly, i want to quit mock trial right now,but whatever. ahh in the midst of it all, i need to put aside time for family and what not. and ap literature is kicking my ass like crazy, but i am enjoying the book we are reading right now (that doesn't happen too often). but i've been feeling so OVERSTRESSED about everything. it's amazing that i haven't had a breakdown yet. i swear to freaking mormon's that i will probably get fired from my job for taking so maybe days off for mock trial. and i want to kick mock trial in the balls right now.

djfkskldsfklsd

save me.

overall

i must say, this has been an amazing week.

to start, school was only two days long. it's always great when you have absolutely no work to do and everyone has holiday thoughts on their mind.

tuesday, i tuned into FM's release party for their new album ANIMAL. may i say, it was freaking AMAZING. i love my fm boys, and even though they couldn't see me, i threw up my three fingers and sang every song that wasn't new and i knew the words too.

wednesday was a early work day. i had no school and it felt weird to be going to work at 730 instead of four. but i must say, early shifts roll by a lot faster than closing shifts. i wish i could work early more often if i didn't have school. after work, it was another mini vsa moment at zummm's house. we had a thanksgiving dinner with a few close friends and spent the night laughing at SNL's 'single ladies' and watching usher rip off his shirt on tv. afterwards, it was off to henry's house to cook thanksgiving dinner.

on thursday, i woke up early from a short 6 hour sleep and got ready to head to henry's house again to finish up and to clean up his house. truth be told, i like to cook but i hate cleaning. however, at 5, everyone arrived and before we ate my sister and henry had a big announcement. they were engaged! of course, i knew a week prior by default but it was awesome to see my family and his family's reactions. but moms cried :].

friday was my birthday! yay mee. i woke up a late, a well deserved sleep. my mother told us to meet her at work and we would spend the day for my birthday. so we went to macy's and it wasn't as crowded as it probably was eariler in the morning. but we copped some nice swag (haha) and then headed in our opposite ways. i didn't do much on the actual day of my birthday. watched transporter 3 and then did some light shopping before heading to jenny's house to play a rousing game of mario kart.

saturday, i spent it with kimber and her family. we went to hmong new year and i found kingston! i must say, walking around, it reminded me of hoi cho and i wished it could be that big. best phrase of the day "excuse me, would you like to play ball with us?" haha. on top of that PROTOJ SANG HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ON THE MIKE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE. i was cheesing like a crazy fangirl. annnd we saw iron man roaming around :]. then we went back to kimber's house to figure out what we were going to do.

we ended up going to winter formal, which was a tad bit waste of money, but funny at the same time? GET SOME. haha too bad i got molested on the dance floor by random guys and a lot of people stepped on my foot. after, we went to her cousin's house to eat or jack in the box and watch some scary hmong movie. "HOLY SHIT, SHE LOOKS LIKE A SMURF" i must say, i was quite scared even though i didn't understand anything. then i headed home.

now here i am.
this is the first time i've had a GOOD WEEK and nothing bad happened throughout the course of my week. i was deeply and truly happy :D

cagle.com

in light of obama becoming our president elect, i decided to look up some cartoons. i now also understand why people want newspapers so badly.




























































in case you haven't noticed, i really like the ones with obama and mlk.
and the last one was just for fun.
hahah, go hillary??

out with the old...

...and in with the new president.

how does it feel to be apart of history in the making? to be a part of a time where change will happen instead of it being just a word thrown around? i am proud to say that i am a democrat american living in this day and age. even though i was not able to physically go and vote. i felt like i was a part of this whole thing. even though i wanted a firm hand in the picking of our next president, i am still happy with the outcome. barack obama, our new president. a man of change. the first african american president. one of the youngest. criticized for his lack of experience, he pulled through and made a difference. as i watched coverage of the election from 5pm until now, i couldn't help but to feel a sense of elation and swirls of emotion. and mccain's speech was great. i respect him and his attempts to calm down a rowdy crowd. i've never hated mccain. i respect him and i think he is a great man. but barack and his speech amazing. he's an eloquent speaker. and spoke words not only to encite the crowd, but to make them think. to let them - and us - know: YES WE CAN. because with things starting new we can make a change. we can fixx this world. we, this generation, are making a difference. we made the difference when we made the choice to vote. and the man we voted into office will lead us there. i fiath faith in obama and i have faith in this country.

obama/biden '08

activist?

i saw a bunch of people on sunrise holding up signs saying : "yes on 8" "adam and eve, not adam and steve" "honk for 8" etc. and even though there was a large sea of yellow signs, i saw one or two blues ones that said "no on 8" i commend those people. because it takes a lot to join a crowd of ignorant homophobes and go against everything they say.

i'm usually not one to care for propositions and aimless rules made by the people of california. but this one hits a strong nerve with me. the fact that people are against gay marriage is beyond me. i'm sorry that you cannot accept something that is different from your lifestyle, but news flash: not too long ago this great society we call america was against INTERRACIAL MARRIAGES and it was ILLEGAL. see how stupid that sounds now a days? we used to chastise interracial couples the same way we are chastising homosexual couples today. and your marriage with 2.5 kids and a puppy is not doing to mean anything different just because your next door neighbors - who happen to be gay - are married. NO it will not be taught in schools. NO it will not start a "gay epidemic" and NO gay people do not make gay babies. gay people can't even make heterosexual babies. the things you say against gay marriage are STUPID and IGNORANT and it belongs back in the 16th century.

when did we become a nation that was so INTOLERANT of others. we preach EQUALITY and FREEDOM but we deny people their NATURAL rights.

be smart
promote freedom and equality
present LOVE

vote NO on 8

intoxication

there's nothing i prefer more in this world
than a sprinkle of water
from those overburdened clouds
better than a shot of vodka
i am intoxicated by the rain
the pricks of my skin as it falls down
reminds me of times when i was truly happy
it has been nearly a year since i've last seen it
and its return - our reunion - was well worth the wait

--

if you couldn't tell, i really do love the rain
and yes, the smell of rain does intoxicate me
excuse the cheesy poem
but i found it necessary
btw, you should watch "you can vote however you like"
that video makes me happy

oh, and it's not because you are [insert race here]....
it's because you're STUPID

a well put off return

if you bothered to notice, i've been missing for a long time. the stress of school has seriously gotten to me. my senioritis is not as bad as i thought it would be. i'm actually pretty on top of things. i got a 4.0 last term. BITCH WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT. but the only thing that sucks is that for the nest couple of months i'm gonna be staying after school a lot more often and battling my work schedule. when i come home i just want an hour or two to rest, and when i actually do start my work, i stay up late nights to finish it. it's not that i have senioritis, it's that i have BAD TIME MANAGEMENT. and i am not afraid to admit it. with all school talk aside, life has been all right.

weeks come and go. and most of the time i can't tell the difference of one saturday from another. but, who really cares about all of that. because in the end my life really does consist of: school, work, mock trial, and youth court. chyeeah.

simply suggestive.

i realized that i haven't been as into this as i used to. so i sat around and thought of a good topic i could enlighten you with. i was inspired by this quote off flyy_quotes:

"Be the best you can be, & the worst without getting caught."

so i thought about all the things we can do without getting caught. how, a lot of our laws in the world, we take as mere suggestions. for example, the speed limit. i see it as, "i suggest you go 45", but really, who does go on speed limit when there's not a cop around nowadays. same with the cell phone thing, a lot of people take it as suggestions, instead of actually getting off their damn phones and pay attention to the roads. but, can we make this comparison to something more real? something more relate-able?

i thought about it for a while, and then i figured it out. or so i think. EVERYTHING in life is a suggestion. your parents tell you to get good grades. they've made a suggestion, and you in the end make up your mind to follow it or not. your friend tells you to get that girl/guy's number, but it's up to you to go and get it. people can tell you anything that want. they can ramble on and preach about their beliefs. but what good are someone else's beliefs? what's the point of someone else telling us what they think?

well, i think we tell each other what we think, because we believe we can make a difference, but can we really? how easy is it to change someone's mind? if it was so easy, many people would be swayed by barack obama's views of hope and change. or touched by john mccain's 5 years as a POW. we like to BELIEVE that one thing we say or do can make a difference. and sorry to burst your 5 year old ideologies, but that's not true. sorry for the cynicism. i try to be happy, i promise.

but on a political note:

goodbye summer

hello fall.

this cold weather reminds me that things change. it's a new year, a new life, and new start. a chance to start over. take myself away from where i was a year ago. and i realize that things are changing, but maybe not in the way i want them to change. yesterday, i had to say goodbye. and it wasn't as bittersweet as i wanted it to be. actually, it was just bitter. the sweet part decided to screw me over and just not show up. i wished it went easy. i wished it went down a lot smoother than the alcohol. but it stung. stung more than the bite on my finger. burned more than the liquor. my head was spinning last night. a result of stupidity and desperate attempts to "have fun." but my head didn't hurt as much as my heart. i just wanted to scream out "forget me." if only it was so easy. i don't want to cry anymore. if only holding back my tears wasn't so hard. i only wished i was intoxicated enough to tell you everything and then forget it the next day. then, you couldn't hold it against me. but nothing ever flows my way. so what now? i guess it's time to stop moping, and do something.

enjoy life

confused, seriously.

life works in a wonderful way. constantly going against you, and making your brain hurt for days on end. today was an interesting take on things. it's been a while since i've heard "what ever happened to you and boy." and i smile, like always and act like i have no idea what they are talking about. but today was a little different. i admitted to liking him to someone outside my comfort zone for once. and apparently, he likes? liked? whatever, me back. ah, but after today's conversation, i can see that nothing is meant to happen. it kinda made me sad. because, deep down somewhere, i still like him and wish for something to happen. today confused me. thanks day, you ruined my life

infinite boredom

web design will be the death of me

"when plaid goes bad"

i'm usually not one to urge. but i URGE you to stop shopping at burberry or tell others who do to stop. burberry still uses REAL fur on their products. fur that comes from the animals in the video above. burberry isn't stupid they KNOW that type of treatment these animals get, but they don't care.

"Burberry may be best known for its distinctive plaid, but its use of real fur is making the design house synonymous with cruelty to animals. Burberry continues to use fur in its designs despite the fact that leading clothing retailers like J.Crew, Ann Taylor, Polo Ralph Lauren, and others have pulled fur from their stores forever."
-exerpt from bloodyburberry.com

why continue supporting a company that treats animals in such a cruel manner.



"what if you were killed for your coat?"

first day of school?

today was my last first day of high school. crazy, huh? i'm not used to the fact that i'm a senior. and i think to everyone else, i look like an underclassman. but, at least i know my way around campus and know what i'm talking about. being a senior is pretty surreal. we have senior sunrise on friday, the first of many activities. and to think, i will be done in a few months. on top of that, my birthday is in three months :]. another year older, barely any wiser, and so much closer to 21. haha. oh, and today i realized terms 3 and 4 will be the death of me. but, oh well.

hooray for rants

what if all i had to do, was say the right words. at the right time. with the right emphasis. for you to understand the mumbo jumbo inside my brain. what if, all it took was a simple burst of emotion in the form of letter combination, to make you understand me. sometimes i wonder if i say the right things, but at the wrong times. and at the right times, i'm at loss for words. but would it matter anyway? because i'm not good with words and i hate the way my voice sounds. so i may never get my point across. and you may never understand. you may never fully realize. i know there's an inkling in you, telling you what's going on. but maybe your mind is at loss for words as well when it tries to summarize the situation. and i'm sure all of this isn't making sense, but bear with me. it's funny how i always find out the wittiest thing to say after the fact. after my chance to shine is over. after you have already seen me as boring. i guess it can't be helped. because i swear the blood stops flowing the minute i talk to you. i might as well sit there, mute, as you mutter away and say funny things left and right. but, you have always been good with your words and diction. that's nothing new. maybe it's not that i'm bad with putting sentences together that make sense or have any meaning. maybe it's just that, your skills are far more superb. and therefore, you overlook my worthless attempts to share my thoughts. words. words. words. there are so many words in this world, but none can describe anything that i've been feeling. and i know i don't feel indescribable, because if your really tried, there's a word for everything. but i don't know much of everything. so here i am, stuttering. tripping over my tongue. fighting with my brain. dealing with my heart. opening the dictionary in my mind. doing anything to make you focus on me more. but it doesn't work. cause it's been almost a year, and i'm in the same spot. almost a year, and i have yet to utter the perfect phrase to make you stay. there's not much left to do now.

got my schedule fixed:

term 1 & 2:
period 1 - unknown
period 2 - poli sci hnrs / ap lit
period 3 - econ / ta
period 4 - mock trial

term 3 & 4
period 1 - physics
period 2 - ap gov / ap lit
period 3 - stats
period 4 - ap psych

ON A LIGHTER NOTE:

day by day, i become dull

wow, i have been totally obsessed with big bang's new mini album. seriously, the haru haru mv makes me cry. every single time. so i've been missing for a long long time. ahh, the wedding was fun, actually. minus the fact that my feet were killing me. but i love my dresses and all the tidbits that came with it. and then coming back to ca with my cousins was fun. sf and disneyland were definite highlights and i do miss them a lot now that they went back.

so, school starts in a week. and i have gotten absolutely no work done. and, my first day of work starts tomorrow. how exciting. it's actually cool. i get along with a lot of the other temp workers, so it's fun.

goodness, my mind has been RACING lately. just everyone now and then i think of random things and get completely thrown out of wack. and did i mention i was sick? well, i got sick today. cause my entire house is sick. and i should've slept away from everyone, but NOOOOO the pathegens got to me and now i'm sick. i HATE it. my immune system is really really weak. so i'll probably be sick for like a month. so lame.

so, congrats to MICHAEL PHELPS. omg, i'm sooo glad he won 8 medals. plus, he's the only swimmer i know, so i was really cheering for him. other than that, i haven't been watching much of the olympics. i did watch gymnastics. congrats to nastia on her win for the all around, yayyy america.

missing in action

i'm going to be out of the state for a week. i shall be in my hometown: centreville, virginia. one of my fave cousins is getting married and i'm her bridesmaid :]. and i can't promise to be active wheni come back. becuase my cousins are following me back. which i'm very excited for. but, lack of me post = more pictures and you missing me more :]. so i got most of my plans finished. monday, i got to hang out with hobagg. we had a lot to talk about and he's a good friend. i got to play with his fat dogs afterwards. like, seriously, they are FAT but soo cute. and they love me :].

today i went to watch a movie at my friend's house. it was a long overdue event, not as long overdue as the ice cream, but whatever. it was fun. we watched out favorite movie "juno." and he had a comfy couch that i almost fell asleep on. but, i'm leaving tomorrow bright and early to san jo. and from there, i'm flying off to dulles airport and won't be back in fairfax til 12. i'm not gonna be tired, cause it'll only be 9 over here :/ but i will try to sleep. and the next few days will be fun.

i will miss posting. but, oh well. my cousins are cooler. PEACE

kill the batman

i was fortunate enough to catch a matinee showing today of "the dark knight". even though i barely got sleep the night before, this was a crucial moment and i just had to wake up. let me just say, it disappointed me. everything about it was just hype and it brought NOTHING to the table. JKAY KIDS. omg, this movie is probably the best movie i have ever seen. it is so psychologically damaging and messes with your head so much. heath ledger played an amazing joker. and i don't simply say that just because he has passed away [rip]. he seriously put so much into the rold and did a fantastic job. i was floored by his appearance. at times, i couldn't even fathom that he would play such a role and embodies it so well. plus the use of his makeup was astonishing. because, if you have watched the batman with michael keaton and jack nicholson, the scare factor was there. but, the fact that his make up is basically dripping off his face just makes it so frightening. what also got to me was the way he spoke and licked his lips. it was so eerie. it was as if he was staring straight at me and talking to me. i was so disturbed by it. i want to disect joker's personality. but i don't want to ruin it for others. if anyone has watched it though, i'm totally up for discussion. cause i have that nerdnes in me. harvey dent was also a great character who added a lot of depth to the movie. i love this movie so much. i want to watch it again. i think one of the best lines in the movie is: "you either die a hero or live long enough to turn into a villian" -harvey dent. i think it's a good sum of the story and the struggles of good and evil in the batman series. also, i loved christian bale. minus the weird husky voice he does when he is batman, he's damn sexy. especially on a motorcycle.if they do continue with this, i am excited to see who will fill the shoes of heath as the joker. i would also like to see the introduction of freeze and ivy. maybe even the riddler. but please, no robin. i think with the "seriousness" of this film, a robin is not needed. whatever you want to call him. overall, i give the dark knight an A ++++++++ because it was damn amazing. and i want to spend another 10 bucks to see it again. yeah, it's that fucking good.

my dear kuitan, there is a devil beside you

i have this habit of watching multiple dramas at a time. the two that i've actually started are "kuitan" and "devil beside you". DBY is the first chinese drama i've ever watched. not couting the old school ones dubbed in viet that i used to watch with my parents. DBY made me think about how twisted asian people are. the basic premises of the story is qi yue and ahmon like each other, but are about to become step-siblings. so odd and so wrong, but it's a pretty good drama. i love rainie yang's hair and mike he is pretty hot.

now, kuitan is a good old fashioned comedy. it doesn't star many people i know, minus the guy from "lunch queen" you know, the crazy ex with the orange hair? well, kuitan is pretty damn funny. about this food crazed detective. i got into it after i watched the detective conan special with oguri shun.

i've also tried to start sapuri with kame! and rewatching kurosagi and water boys 2, since i never finished them.

so, today was henry's surprise birthday party. he's 12 years older, do to the math. even though it was small, it was fun. and i enjoy hanging out with these people. even though they are significantly older than me. they still enjoy to do things like play board games and sing karaoke while drunk. which, i have videos to post later on :]

--

my days have been, relaxed? i guess. not much is on my mind, except one thing:

it's funny how people never realize they are in the same situation as you
and they give you all this advice
but never follow it themselves
they tell you how it's easy to figure out these things
but yet, they can't do it either
i find people who contradict themselves so funny
acting like they know what goes on in another person's life
when they have no outlook on their own
i feel like these people shouldn't give me advice
because i would be just like them
i would stay in the same spot forever

'cause i can't stop thinking about you

ah, so i've been rewatching Love Letter Season 3 for the past few days. and i watched the one with Si Won, Han Kyung, and Hee Chul from SJ and they danced to 'U' and i'm listening to the song right now :] well, anyways. there is this one part, when they are playing the Striking King game, and Kang Ho Dong tells Han Kyung to MC with him. if you didn't know, Han Kyung is the Chinese boy in the group and doesn't speak Korean really well. and since the topic was 4 word proverbs or whatever, they wanted to Han Kyung to introduce it.


"are yoooou reeeeeeeeadyyy?!?!"

haha, prior to that, he was having a hard time saying anything in Chinese and all the other guys were like "they only say you're Chinese because you can't speak Korean well, right?!?!" haha, i love this show. love's relay is probably the best segment of it eeeeeeveer.

i also love brian and his "gorilla dancing"



so, my final for stupid comp. class was today. it was super easy and boring. haha afterwards me and michelle went to target, borders, and payless. we created total chaos in target as we tried to renact the "Lies" music video. i was in a shopping cart and singing horrible. it was fun though. i was able to buy me a pair of shoes/boots and i love them already :] ahh,i have much to do before i leave for virginia on wednesday

list of shit i gotta do:
friday: cousin's birthday
saturday: shhh, it's a secret!!
sunday: free day? let's do shit
monday: hopefully watch juno
tuesday: DRAMA DAAAAY
wednesday: my ass flys off to the east coast!!
ahhhh, i am very very excited!!! :D

what has happened to the younger generation??

so my sister informed me about this thirteen year old girl who wrote in to 107.9 the end. she was angry because there was so rule that you have to be 14 or something to be in a video? i have no idea. it was for the stupid jonas brothers concert, so i don't have much interest. BUT this girl has serious grammar issues. and spelling and just issues in general. i have no idea what is going on in this world. it's horrible how she can't spell, has no sentence structure, no punctuation or ANYTHING. it was sad, but funny to read

here's an exerpt:

"I love the Jonas Bros more than you no. Its is soe unfare that you gotta be 14 to meet them at Nfest.Rulez are stupider than anything cuz everybody nos that jonas bros fans arent old people but w e are kids who respect and luv what they bring to the world. "

http://endonline.com/Email-From-Mary-The-13-Year-Old/2573309

read more there. i mean, i was dying from laughter and as i thought about it later on. i was like, wtf? how is this possible. and apparently, some parents got mad and someone said: "my 13 year old daughter types like that, is she stupid?" well, i don't know what the radio people said, but YES. she's almost in high school and cannot spell or punctuate to save her life! that's HORRIBLE. does she just skip school without her parents knowing?! ahhh, it's frustrating

i gave up knight school for lent...

ahh, so i totally love touchblue. if you've never heard of them, they are these five filipino guys who make videos and do live shows. their stuff is mostly comedic and they do spoofs and stuff. here are some videos that i love dearly. i felt it would be appropiate to show you.

knight school:

"you've got a little something on your face"

hunters and gathers:


stainout:

"PRESENTATION!!!"

lent:

"i'll fuck 'em up with my JESUS FISTS"

i think lent is my all time new favorite video. jaymar is my favorite. he's the one on the right in knight school and in lent. stainout is always my favorite. but, i do love these guys. and they have awesome videos. check them out sometime: www.touchblue.net or just search them up on youtube.

in lght of that, i discovered wongfu like a year or two back. i think the first video i watched was "locked out" they do awesome shorts and music videos. but i always love watching their blogs.

blog 3 - new toys:


blog 3.5 - @ uc berkeley


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wow, i've really overloaded with the videos. but i love these two groups. and wongfu is coming out with a contest, which i'm totally ready to enter at all costs.

so my day was so blaaaah. it was the second to last day of class and i didn't pay attention. as usual. i also found out something interesting. current event for the day: a man is sentenced to 4060 YEARS in prison after being convicted of raping three girls in texas. the moral of this story? don't committ crimes in texas, and if you do, don't get caught. cause texans will FUCK YOU UP. i love texans. haha

this habit won't quit

i woke up early today. which is something weird. on days when i don't have class, i usually wake up at 12. i woke up at 1015 today. oh well. so, i got two lovely responses from my post last night. the post that was filled with mumbo jumbo and no beginning or end.

"haha your post brings up questions that i havent thought about in awhile. how do we really know? we don't. we live not knowing. but if you think about it, do you really want to know what the future holds. would you want to live a straight line, being guided by the "truth" that tells you the safe way to live life? i dont think so. life is jagged and rigid and mixed up and DISORDERLY, but through it you learn how to treasure the few things you do find are right. if everything you did was right, if all the people you met were the ones that were truely your friends, then i bet you probably wouldn't treasure them the way you do now. do you get what you mean? funny how most of the time, people always end up falling for the one that is not right for them and ending up ignoring the one that is right for them. but i guess that is because life is weird and when you meet the ONE, it is because he is actually the first ONE you have fallen that isnt wrong. that totally didnt make sense. but lets answer that question 10 years from now. :D" -ck

"basically what ck said (that dork was the one who showed me this entry :P). i think life will be more exhilarating and fun if we stop expecting an answer or a reward from it. i mean what's the point if everything was right all the time? i think life is really about treasuring the good times that surfaced through our lowest points of our lives (if that made any sense at all). it might not seem good to you now but once you've experienced the bad times, then you will know if something was right for you. we're still too young to make that kind of judgment now."
-miss melanie [and yes, "last friends" is a good watch :D]

so i guess i was being lame yesterday? i always am, no new surprises there. so, i've always wanted to watch "breakfast at tiffany's" mainly because it has my name in it - conceited i know. and also because of audrey hepburn. i like her a lot. she was always so elegant and pretty in black.

so, i like to read current events a lot. i like to pick up something interesting each day. today's story: a father sold his baby's name for a gas gift card worth 100 bucks. his son will now be called DIXON AND WILLOUGHBY PARTIN. yes, the AND is part of the poor child's name. poor boy. and what if the ultra sound was wrong and out pops a girl. damn, that was suck ass. there's you bit of fun information for the day.

i don't really have anything mind boggling to share today. the day has just started, really. does anyone know the weather outside? i guess it's hot, like always. i'm not doing much today. typical of my mondays. ahh, i can't wait to go back to virginia

searching

hmm, i've been writing in this a lot. i guess it's because i have no life. and that i have a lot on my mind and writing in my journal hurts my hand and my eyes.

so, i thought about a couple of things the other day

1. when do we know something's right for us?
it can be anything. like how do we know a college is right for us. or those pair of jeans. that boy or girl over there. the dog in the window of the adoption center. marriage. children. anything. do we just get a feeling? if that's so, my intuition has been extremely off lately. and by lately i mean for a few years. haha? every time i feel like something is good for me, it doesn't turn out that way. i guess maybe i just suck. ahh whatever

2. why do we always love/like the wrong people?
so call me lame, but this popped up when i was watching "last friends" this jdrama. and i won't dispell what it was about, but it made me realize that love truly is blind - for lack of a less cliche line. and wrong can mean a lot of things for different people. like the nice girl who falls in love with the smoker. the passive agressive one who falls in love with the abuser. things like that. i fall for the wrong people all the time. i never realize it until they're cracked my heart and fail to heal it.

3. how do we befriend the right people?
mind you, i have wonderful friends. whom i love dearly. but it wasn't always like that. and again, this came from the drama "last friends" how do we find the ones who match us and we can relate too. i don't have many of those types of friends. i hate befriending people who hurt me later on.

4. why is life confusing right up to the day we die?
why can't we figure out the freaking "meaning of life" earlier. i hate that "being young" disables me from understanding a lot of things. and i know it's notbecause of age. it's because i'm too sheltered. i want to get a couple of scrapes and learn for myself.so that i can finally understand this topsy turvy world of ours.

those were the questions floating around in my mind lately. wandering around. unanswered. i've noticed a pattern. a lot of my posts are depressing. i'm sorry. i am happy and bubbly most of the time. just ask my friends. i'm an awesome person to hang around. but i guess when i start writing, all that goes away. i loved writing since way back when. even though i'm not very good. i joined a creative writer's club in the 8th grade. it was amazing. my english teacher was head of that club. but, she passed due to cancer a few years later. she always has a special place in my heart though. cause she flourished my love for writing. she was an amazing writer and an amazing person. i miss her a lot. they held a ceremony for her at my old school after she passed. onthe back of the cards, bookmarks, and programs there was a robert frost poem. i think it was also in "the outsiders" one her favorite movies because matt dillion was in there, but it personifies her beautifully. i guess i'll share it

nothing gold can stay

nature's first green is gold
her hardest hue to hold
her early leaf's a flower
but only so an hour
the leaf subsides to leaf
so eden sank to greif
so dawn does down to day
nothing gold can stay

-robert frost

i remember sharing in her class. that i thought this poem was about innocence. i stil believe that to this day.

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ps. remember the thing i broke yesterday? there's caution tape around that area now. my bad vintage park people

grey hairs and broken sprinklers

i found a grey hair when i was straightening my hair today. [wow, that sounded redundant]. anyways, you know how people always freak out when they get grey hairs? well, i wasn't really sure where the grey hair came from. well first off, the grey was smack dab in the middle. so it was black hair, grey hair, and black hair again. i didn't even know that was possible. so, i haven't been stressing lately, when i don't think i have been. and i'm not that old. so i have no idea where it came from. i was confused up until the point where i pulled it out. that was the first offset thing to my day.

next, today was just a random day to hang out with friends and do stupid shit with each other. we all swam and then went and played night tag at the nearby park. and while i was hiding in the bushes with my male friend, i stepped on something near the tree. i hear this "crack" like noise and the ground rumbles. so being my scared self i jump off the dirt i'm on and see this "thing" rush out of the ground. being one who watches too many scary movies i thought sadako [ringu girl] was going to pop out and kill me. so i scream and everyone hears me. and this flood of water, which was the "thing", wil not stop flowing out of the ground. so i'm certained i broke something and we hang around and make sure everyone is accounted for. when we walk back to that area, the water is still going! so i'm certain i'm in a lot of trouble for that.

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i like to go on tangents. sorry. ah, there's been a certain male that's been on my mind on and off since...ohh let's say late october? aiish, i don't even know why i'm bringing this up. but sometimes, thinking about him makes me...um...sad? yeah, sad's the right word. i don't know. i guess when i think about our friendship, i just think about a lot of other things. he makes me think too much. i hate him for that. but...i enjoy his presence at the same time. he makes me smile when i talk to him. but then nothing happens, and i get upset. can you even believe i cried because of him. once, only once. but i've teared up many times because of him. not because of the things he does. but i just...think about things. i use the work think a lot, don't i? i repeat myself too much. ah, i wrote a poem about him once. i guess i'll share. it's still in edit mode, even though i wrote it months ago. excuse a lot of little girl cliches and what not. okay, here goes. i wrote this in april, by the way.

you make me feel 500 million emotions all at once
but despite that, i can't bring myself to love you or hate you
no, i don't hate you
not only because hate's "too strong of a word"
but something inside me is telling me: "wait, you don't know him well enough to fully judge his actions"
on top of that my feelings aren't developed enough for "love"
you see, my love is rare
and no one has ever held on to my heart
and trust me, with the way things are going
you won't be the first
my heart's already chipping away and you've barely poked it
i don't want to think of what you'd do
gripping it with your careless hands
nothing thinking twice about how your actions affect me
not thinking about me at all
but i think about you almost everyday
you smile, your [insert adj. here] hair, witty humor, and great style
anything and everything leads my mind back to you
i don't understand the ways of my heart
it beats so fast that i feel it's about to burst out of my chest
or just explode right there inside me
but no, i don't love you
i don't under how my mind tells me day in and day out to get over you, forget you, and move on
but no, i can't hate you
my mind and my heart are constantly battling
and i'm the one to straighten everything out
everyone says "all is fair in love and war"
but is it truly fair that i'm in thise alone
and no one understand the pain i withstand
is it truly fair that i smile through this pain
and you don't even notice
love and hate go together like honey and bees
peanut butter and jelly
because you can't have one without the other
and i know i should hate you
tear away the memories that i've created with you
but does that mean i have to love you too

mind you i wrote this in a fragile state. ahhh it all sounds so cheesy right now. and NO i do not love this male at all. i'm highly infatuated with him. ah, i don't know why i wrote all that out. it just brought back all these emotions and too much is on my mind again

the point when time stands still

i spend a lot of my time thinking. wondering what will happen next. maybe people don't know that i analyze everything that happens, every word spoken, action made. it all means something to me. i over think things, and maybe that's my fault.

i set myself up for failure so that if i succeed i will be happy, but if i don't i will feel nothing at all. i've spent a lot of time questioning myself. the age old question, "what is my purpose here." being a mere 17 year old, i guess i can't expect myself to know just yet. but at the same time, i'm tired of aimlessly wondering around with no ideas of what i'm supposed to be. you know how people always tell you to "be yourself" but how does that work when you don't know who you are? people no longer give you though-provoking questions or advice worth heeding. there are no more heart-to-heart talks that amount to anything. you can no longer have those moments when time stands still because everyone wants to live such a fast paced life. you know, those moments that make you so happy, it seems as those time itself has stopped progessing. as if to allow you time to take in the feeling of joy.

Hi, My Name Is...

I've been sitting around wondering what else I can use to waste away my life.
I've got the myspace, the facebook, the youtube, the soompi, etc.
My xanga has been dead for about two or three years?
Who uses xanga anymore anyways
I'm tired of writing in my lame journal that cramps my hand
And therefore, cramps my style
I'm not the best writer in the world
I hate rhymes and rhythm and iambic pentameter
But don't expect to come here and find a poem a day
I have no idea what I'm using this for.
Disorderly conduct?
That's how my mind works
Hate it or love it, that's how I am


Hi, my name is Tiffany
And other than that, I have no idea who I am.