searching

hmm, i've been writing in this a lot. i guess it's because i have no life. and that i have a lot on my mind and writing in my journal hurts my hand and my eyes.

so, i thought about a couple of things the other day

1. when do we know something's right for us?
it can be anything. like how do we know a college is right for us. or those pair of jeans. that boy or girl over there. the dog in the window of the adoption center. marriage. children. anything. do we just get a feeling? if that's so, my intuition has been extremely off lately. and by lately i mean for a few years. haha? every time i feel like something is good for me, it doesn't turn out that way. i guess maybe i just suck. ahh whatever

2. why do we always love/like the wrong people?
so call me lame, but this popped up when i was watching "last friends" this jdrama. and i won't dispell what it was about, but it made me realize that love truly is blind - for lack of a less cliche line. and wrong can mean a lot of things for different people. like the nice girl who falls in love with the smoker. the passive agressive one who falls in love with the abuser. things like that. i fall for the wrong people all the time. i never realize it until they're cracked my heart and fail to heal it.

3. how do we befriend the right people?
mind you, i have wonderful friends. whom i love dearly. but it wasn't always like that. and again, this came from the drama "last friends" how do we find the ones who match us and we can relate too. i don't have many of those types of friends. i hate befriending people who hurt me later on.

4. why is life confusing right up to the day we die?
why can't we figure out the freaking "meaning of life" earlier. i hate that "being young" disables me from understanding a lot of things. and i know it's notbecause of age. it's because i'm too sheltered. i want to get a couple of scrapes and learn for myself.so that i can finally understand this topsy turvy world of ours.

those were the questions floating around in my mind lately. wandering around. unanswered. i've noticed a pattern. a lot of my posts are depressing. i'm sorry. i am happy and bubbly most of the time. just ask my friends. i'm an awesome person to hang around. but i guess when i start writing, all that goes away. i loved writing since way back when. even though i'm not very good. i joined a creative writer's club in the 8th grade. it was amazing. my english teacher was head of that club. but, she passed due to cancer a few years later. she always has a special place in my heart though. cause she flourished my love for writing. she was an amazing writer and an amazing person. i miss her a lot. they held a ceremony for her at my old school after she passed. onthe back of the cards, bookmarks, and programs there was a robert frost poem. i think it was also in "the outsiders" one her favorite movies because matt dillion was in there, but it personifies her beautifully. i guess i'll share it

nothing gold can stay

nature's first green is gold
her hardest hue to hold
her early leaf's a flower
but only so an hour
the leaf subsides to leaf
so eden sank to greif
so dawn does down to day
nothing gold can stay

-robert frost

i remember sharing in her class. that i thought this poem was about innocence. i stil believe that to this day.

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ps. remember the thing i broke yesterday? there's caution tape around that area now. my bad vintage park people