"when life gives you shit...."

"...you make shitonade."

oh dear god, how have i been feeling lately.i been feeling so much like a hot mess i can't even put it into words.

first off, my summer has been pretty lame. i haven't done anything besides work and sleep. i'm serious, that's all i've done for the past two weeks. so, i guess it's my fault for being some type of social hermit and not willing to hang out with anyone or talk to anyone. but no one wants to hang with me or talk to me. so why should i bother?

you know what's funny? every time i have some intense, long update...it always ends up being about a guy.

so, why should this time be any different. needless to say folks, i'm exhausted. i'm tired of guys. tired of their shit. seriously, why do i always end up being in the exact same situation? i sure do know how to pick them. i pick the ones that are too pansy to do shit. expect me to do all the work. and in the end, they get bored or "make big life decisions" that somehow can't involve me.

am i asking for too much? is it too much to ask for some who fucking cares for once. who can understand me and take me for all my faults. understand what i've been through and just be like "fuck it" you are who you are and i love it. but no. maybe i carry too much baggage for someone to love. maybe i just have too much shit going on. maybe i'm just too anti-fucking-social to have a decent relationship with a guy.

or maybe, i just need to find a man who has some fucking 'nads. how hard is it to grow a pair. shouldn't you already have one to begin with?? like seriously, call me a whiny bitch, but i don't give a fuck. i'm so TIRED of it. wtf. maybe it's just the guys i happen to meet. maybe i should stop hanging out with 18 and 19 year old BOYS that don't know a fuck about ANYTHING. seriously, leading people on is not fun. especially when you get the short end of the stick. and now, i just anticipate getting fucked over. i don't even look for the happiness anymore.

my heart is so scarred. so wounded. but everyone expects me to heal so quickly. "just get over it" "forget him." it's so easy to say from the outside looking in. but they have no idea the turmoil i fucking go through. i toss and turn every night cause something is ALWAYS on my mind. thinking about something, anything. from the things i did, to the things i should've done. what i said, or what i should say. why should i put so much effort into it when it's just WHATEVER to you.

that's my deal, okay. thing's are just WHATEVER to me. but not you. so why do i give a fuck when i'm NOTHING to you. if i told you tomorrow that i've been falling for you. would you ever give a fuck. do you even feel the same fucking way? or will you just laugh and reject me. FUCK IT. why do i even care.

it's FUCKING SUMMER.
time to make some shitonade.